IT’S XMAS AGAIN!
New, Improved 2009 Version of the World Famous Burke Family Tacky Xmas Letter.
Nonsense, Commercial Free, no Spam, no Pop-ups, no Class.
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James became unemployed, ineligible for unemployment, social security, health insurance, food stamps, Medicare, Medicaid, or the dole. He did receive a free issue of the Limbaugh Letter and a discount offer for FutureHope, a Novel Approach to the Democratic Epiphany. To date, Goldman Sachs has not responded to requests for our fair portion of their bailout. It’s great to be middle class in America. Despite the economy and hardships we all share, we are fortunate to have our home, our family, food on our table, and the opportunity to help others less fortunate.
The Farmhouse
Having divested of the Woodcraft Store last year (see vol. 2008) we purchased an 1892 farmhouse complete with 30 feral cats, mold, previous remuddling, and the blackberries from hell. Catherine mixed up some incredible colors from recycled paints while James learned to drive a backhoe. We found three old claw foot bathtubs on Craig’s List and traded one of them for help hauling another one upstairs.
New walls, plumbing, electrical, stairs, hardwood flooring fixtures, landscaping, etc. and after a year, we’re ready to pass the final inspection. Time to sell this albatross. Now if we can just figure out how to turn it into a bank and get some bailout funds…
Since someone else got the job as greeter for Wally World, James remains happily unemployed. However, readers knowing of a career for an old fart that requires minimum effort, has maximum benefits, and can be done from home in a bathrobe, are asked to call. References? He don’ need no stinkin’ references.
Many thanks to those who have been helping edit and read the new novel, Kelly’s Reef. Check out the blog page and leave a comment about the first chapter. If you are interested in being one of the original readers and providing feedback, let us know. You might even get you name on the acknowledgment page (but no money).
Working on the farmhouse and the second novel* occupies most of his free time.
* The Pocket Watch. A novel of suspense. The hero inherits an antique pocket watch missing the hour hand. The minute hand moves him 1 hour forward or backward in time. Can he stop a terrorist bomber before it’s too late? Tune in next year.
Master Gardener’s Corner
Transcript: Call to the Master Gardener/ Compost Expert:
Ring, ring
“Hello”
“Listen lady, it’s 6 AM and I can see you in your garden wearing nothing but a bathrobe.”
“Pervert! This garden was designated a ‘Sustainable Garden’ by the extension service and I need to get ready for the big shoe in three months. This is the only time I can hand pick the slugs.”
“Slugs? I love slugs- especially deep fried. What are you going to do with them?”
“I’ll either spice my compost tea, or give them away as prizes at the County Fair Master Gardeners’ Booth.”
Sound of a phone hanging up.
After dark, James took away her flashlight, made her quit gardening and come indoors.
Catherine continues to amaze the gardening world with her green arms. This year South Lane Mental Health asked her to open her garden for a tour to benefit. People paid lots of money in hopes of seeing her in the bathrobe. Thousands of visitors (okay, okay, just 187) saw her incredible landscapes of local hardy plants, vegetables, and slug free compost.
This Years Fight Song
The Rose Bowl Duck Song (sung to twinkle, twinkle…)
Rosebowl, Rosebowl, ducks will score,
Since we won the Civil War.
Up above the Pac 10’s best
Not like rodents to the west.
Ducks will kick Ohio’s butt
Leaving Buckeye’s in a rut.
{Apologies to Oregon State, Ohio State, and music critics everywhere.}
Moira's page
Moira's Site: Thought Crumbs
This year Moira tried to hide from her thesis advisor in the deserts of Jordan, particularly the national parks like Petra (think Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) and Wadi Rum (think Lawrence of Arabia). Unfortunately, her Beduoin guide betrayed her and gave out his Blackberry number. Her advisor called in the middle of the night, so she had to write a dissertation chapter while on the back of a camel. On her iphone. Her wayfaring companions (the same grad students she travels with every year) fared no better; Amy defended her thesis while snorkeling in the Red Sea.
Meanwhile, Moira managed to sweet-talk Facebook into letting her intern with them again in Palo Alto over the summer. More hiking and kayaking, and a little bit of data analysis. She'll finish her dissertation next year and then will be looking for a job.
Liam’s Mystery Page
Liam is a mystery. He lives in the House of Mystery in Gold Hill, or lives in a mystery house, or it’s a mystery that he lives in a house, or he lives in a house and works at being a mystery.
No, wait! We know. He works at the Oregon House of Mystery and has his own place in Gold Hill. Something like that. It’s a mystery.
As of last Christmas, Liam finished his first year of energy classes, and since has used "kilowatt-hour" in every other sentence. He spent the summer in rustic Gold Hill, in a mystery house. Maybe its a mystery that there are actually houses in Gold Hill, but we're not sure. He got a job giving tours at the House of Mystery, and has become something of a mystery himself. Otherwise, it has been a year full of mystery, music, and a new love interest that have kept him busy. .
As of last Christmas, Liam finished his first year of energy classes, and since has used "kilowatt-hour" in every other sentence. He spent the summer in rustic Gold Hill, in a mystery house. Maybe its a mystery that there are actually houses in Gold Hill, but we're not sure. He got a job giving tours at the House of Mystery, and has become something of a mystery himself. Otherwise, it has been a year full of mystery, music, and a new love interest that have kept him busy. .
Pet Page
Our antique cat Athena continues to hang on. The last of our Guam boonie cats, she is deaf as a post and persnickety about which quality mini can of food she’ll eat on any given day. She has learned to pop the top and help herself to the Whisker Lickin’s treat can. We show her all the photos in the newspaper of kittens to adopt, but she doesn’t seem to get the hint.
James has been reading about training a German Shepherd puppy to be a search and rescue dog. Readers with any experience or common sense are asked to call and dissuade him.
This year's Xmas Recipe – Politico Chili
Ingredients: 2 lbs of blue-dog dissonance, 2 lbs of GOP sour apples, 2 lbs of Congressional ineptitude, a large dollop of hope, an equal dollop of disappointment, 6 tons of minced lobbying influence, and some General McCrystal Sauce (politically optional).
Mix the ingredients into a large Afghan bowl {Iraq, Iran, N. Korea, or a younameitistan bowl works equally well}.
Wait for Climate Change or the Nobel Peace Prize to heat the mixture.
Caution: Should this recipe explode and cause physical harm, the author recommends you ask your elected representative if your health insurance will cover damages.
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