Beginning this year we will no longer publish a tacky XMAS letter.
Vol.1, No.1
THE BURKE FAMILY INCREDIBLY TACKY, INSENSITIVE, AND POLITICALLY OFFENSIVE- ANNUAL REVIEW.
The HISTORY CHANNEL has offered 6 months of free service and $0.01 per click if we call this a Historical Review.
Please click several hundred times if you love us.
Vol.1, No.1
THE BURKE FAMILY INCREDIBLY TACKY, INSENSITIVE, AND POLITICALLY OFFENSIVE- ANNUAL REVIEW.
The HISTORY CHANNEL has offered 6 months of free service and $0.01 per click if we call this a Historical Review.
Please click several hundred times if you love us.
THE BURKE FAMILY HISTORICAL REVIEW FOR 2011- THE YEAR THAT WAS, WASN’T, MIGHT HAVE BEEN, HAPPENED, DIDN’T HAPPEN, SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED, WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN HOPED WOULD HAPPEN, CHANGED {Editor’s note: History Channel also pays per word.}
THE LUDDITE (aka BURKE) FAMILY JOINS THE 21TH CENTURY:
Catherine and James have new ‘dumb’ phones. They are like a cell phone but capable of killing pigs with angry birds and zombies with plants.
The phones can’t hammer nails very well.
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| Not our real family- they play one on TV. |
“Call Moira.”—Connected with Morris the Cat commercials.
“Call Liam.”—Resulted in a Leaning Tower of Pizza delivery, plus automatic tip.
“Call home.”—Connected with Holmes on Homes building on the DIY network.
“%&#S*&^”—Connected with a list of porn sites.
“%&#S*&^”—Connected with a list of porn sites.
HUGE NEWS!Liam and Jessica took off their shoes and tied the knot on Feb 12th in our sunroom. Two wonderful people found each other and started their new life together.
Months of preparations and hundreds of forced tulips created an ideal home setting for this great event. Even the bribe to the local weather person paid off. The family cried. Exactly 100 rental chairs filled with no empties or anyone left standing.
They found their way out of the Vortex. Liam is now working for AT&T while Jessica works with the local school district. Bakery business for gluten free products and an upscale movie/ food venue business are in their plans.
MORE HUGER NEWS!
♫ Doctor, Doctor- gimme the news.♪ Dr. Moira Burke successfully defended her thesis at Carnegie Mellon University. In June her side trip to New Zealand while on a speaking trip to Australia was cancelled. The Ubinas Volcano in Peru was the culprit. Who'd a thunk?
2012 will find her working with Facebook in the Bay Area doing things none of us can understand. The CIA, NSA, and Homeland Security have contacted her parents seeking explanations. They just point at the dumb phones and shrug.
Meanwhile- Moira and Dr. Andrew Schlaikjer are exploring New Zealand (finally) before settling down in San Francisco. Andy completes his PhD from CMU as well and starts to work with Twitter. Something to do with “application of advanced information retrieval models to complex datasets”
Catherine and James continue to figure out how to use opposable thumbs to text each other. Genetics is a down-stream phenomena. Catherine is much better after she had her trigger thumb fixed.
CATHERINE’S CORNER
Master Gardener hotline, Hardy Plant Group and plans for next summer’s Gardeners Extravaganza, Tour, Exhibits, Demonstrations, Displays, Manifestations, and Show {Reminder: we’re paid per word for this.} fill her time when she isn’t helping remodel and paint the rentals and create landscapes for Habitat for Humanity.
Cottage Grove has Soooooo much to offer.
Compost demos, plant potting parties, and canning tuna- all add to her contribution to our community.
TOGA, TOGA, TOGA
Habitat for Humanity had a fund raiser in Cottage Grove when Cycle Oregon arrived. As the site for the big parade scene in Animal House, we obtained the Deathmobile for a photo shoot. Silliness, togas, and fun were had by all.
BTW- James is the President of Habitat for Humanity in Cottage Grove. Donations appreciated. |
| Habitat did NOT build this! |
HUH?
James, after years of trying to understand the BBC and Catherine, finally got very expensive hearing aids. After a month of still not understanding Catherine (The Brits finally made sense) the aides we’re returned. Next month he is having a device surgically implanted that provides a behavioral modification shock whenever he says ?Huh?
And James is happy to announce that there is a button on the TV that prints the words at the bottom of the screen- just like those foreign movies Catherine takes him to. WOW.
ECONOMIC NEWS
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| US Simplified Tax Code |
We signed up to scam the government out of Social Security. Only fair, don’t you think?
ANTIQUE CAT TRADED IN.
Athena, the last of our “boonie” cats from Guam at the age of eighty bazillion in cat years (22 people years) finally died, passed on, kicked the bucket, met the vet, was euthanized, saw Cheeses. {Word Count!}. We'll miss her, and NO! don't send us a replacement kitten- yet.
Moira and Andy left Hazel, the cat, for us to nurture while they’re in New Zealand. She came complete with an auto feeder and graciously allowed us to stay in our home with her. She sleeps with her head nestled between the food trough and water dish. Cat lovers will understand.
NO ANNUAL LETTER WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT:
A sarcastic, politically driven, yet politically incorrect ANNUAL RECIPE!
1 cup of spoiled change- red, blue, green, or neutral.
3 tsp. of wilted hope
Eye of Newt, butt of Bachmann, a heartfelt Huntsman, a pinch of Perry, a rumor of Ron, some sanity Sanatorium, and little bitter Cain.
Large amounts of Corporate Greed Hot Sauce.
Hair of Romney’s car top dog.
2 oz. of Evangelical Juice, certified and blessed.
Anything from Iowa (Other ‘I’ states can be substituted)
Loosely mix together and occupy in a media bowl.
Ferment until Nov 6th, then dump.
