2006

We’re Back, AGAIN!

New, Improved 2006 Version of the World Famous Burke Family’s Tacky Xmas Nonsense

Commercial Free, no Spam, no Pop-ups, no Class.

Vol. 15, No 1, December 2006.  Past Volumes at http://www.burkeworks.org

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Why there was no 2005 volume:

Nothing happened!!  We had a couple folks over for dinners, did a business trip of no importance, made some phone calls, had eye exams, new glasses, and Liam had his teeth cleaned.  We had not one, but two garden tours, AND! went to the Country Fair (AKA  the Eugene Almost Naked Hippy Thing).  Last time we did that was 35 years ago.

Oh yeah, we also had the water pump replaced in one of the old cars we still drive.  But no typhoons, earthquakes, carjacking, thefts, new pets, lawsuits, IRS audits, or political intrigue.  It’s all true!  We reviewed the calendar!

It’s really sad to share how really boring we are. Really!  Maybe this year we’ll do something really, really exciting, like visiting the Spruce Goose in McMinnville. Maybe? 

Catherine’s Tea Parties ( catburke10@yahoo.com )

The MASTER GARDENER in the family now is offering specially brewed tea. Compost tea that is.  Blended Black Gold.  Packed with all those healthy aerobic micro-organisms (not to be mistaken for a heavy breathing micro orgasm), this unique blend of worm pooh-poohs, molasses, kelp stuff, and branch water is skillfully blended in a hand crafted plastic garbage can, and aged for hours with gentle bubbles of fresh Oregon air.   Order now for a spring spritzer on those tender young plants in your garden.   Catherine was considering an online business- WormPoo.com, but some grunge band already has the name.

Catherine continues to be one of the volunteers who answer the phones at the local extension service when you call in:

Caller:  “Hello- The voices are telling me that the radishes in my garden are planning to take over the planet.  What should I do?”

Catherine: “Hold on a moment…Hmmm… my Master Gardener’s Guide says that if wear your stockings inside out for one week and pour a quart of WormPoo over your head, you will save humanity and your hair will take on a nice sheen.”

Caller: “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you.”

And if that’s not exciting enough, she’s also a slum lord, extorting money from unwary renters.

Xmas song of joy
Sung to the rap version of   “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

♪Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo hoe♫

♪Xmas time be here

♫Whadda ya, howdo ya, whydo ya, whendo ya

Love da one yo near? ♫

Huh! Huh! Huh!

{Singer now stares at camera and makes a weird finger gesture}

Liam, not to be out done, holds beer busts

( elbeats@gmail.com )

The MASTER BREWER in the family has coalesced his knowledge of chemistry, biology, and human nature into the brewing of a classic, fine, homebrew.  Local pubs are quivering in either fear or anticipation of the first commercial keg, scheduled at some future date.  His Wort {the term for the goo beer comes from- not to be confused with the growths on a witch's nose} has produced a full flavored, malty brew with just a hint of caramel, honey and molasses.  Rumor has it that a grunge band got their name after drinking an early batch.  There are other rumors about spritzing tender young things in the spring time. And as if he didn't already get his fill of yeasty micro-organisms, he has been working full-time at a local bagel bakery.

Celebrating 21 years of life this year, Liam plans to explore the reefs off Cozumel looking for residual damage from a bad 2004 hurricane season.  His last dive trip was when hurricane Ivan slammed the island.  Better luck this time.

Moira: Still a nerdy vegetarian: Now appearing in Pittsburgh

 ( Moira@considereddesign.com )

You know the Monopoly community chest card "Bank error in your favor?"  Moira's life is currently like that.  She has somehow convinced The Man to pay her to travel the world, give her a shiny Powerbook, and surround her with smart friends, and all she has to do is write the occasional paper.  She's in her second year of PhD studies in the Human-Computer Interaction Institute at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh (http://www.hcii.cs.cmu.edu). 

She studies the way that newcomers in online communities (like Google Groups) introduce themselves, and determines which rhetorical strategies get others to answer.  For example, if you say "I've been reading this group for a while" you'll get twice as many replies, regardless of whether you've actually been there.  She has presented her work in Banff, Montreal, Vienna, and all over the U.S. (including Hawaii this January).  A side project about online donation communities after Hurricane Katrina will appear as a book chapter this spring.

Meanwhile, she's become a raging organic foodie, publishing a vegetarian recipe/restaurant review blog (http://www.veggieburgh.com), and exhausting the Carnegie Library's supply of books on sustainable agriculture and gourmet cooking.  She hiked in the rainforest in Ecuador last March, and is planning a trip to Iceland this spring.  She still writes to her regular blog, too (http://www.considereddesign.com).

The much anticipated annual recipe

This year featuring I-rock Crock Pot

Mix equal parts of Hope, Caring, Charity, Patience, and Goodwill.

Sift out all the religious contaminants, hatred, fear, and politics.

Take all of the remaining resources, add abundant clean water.

Cook slowly and gently without outside agitation.  Share with everyone you know.

Those in the know will realize this is the same recipe as 2004.   Some things do improve with age.

2^nd Law of Thermodynamics.  James’ views of the Scientific Realist

 ( James@burkeworks.org )

Editor’s Wanted- low pay but lots of gratitude.  View the progress of the next great American Novel at www.Burkeworks.org.  James is writing a novel, variously described as an adventure, action, psychological thriller, SciFi mystery novel.  The cover will show a scuba diving gynecologist killing alien beings.  He thinks it includes all of the current popular genre’, but if you can think of others- he’ll write them into the plot.

Continuing to study at Euglene.Edu, James ponders the state of our beleaguered planet and the effects of global warming.  For a scientific and realistic view of what is happening we invite you to read The Revenge of Gaia. by James Lovelock.  Or visit:  http://www.prototista.org/ .

This year’s epiphany came with reading Into the Cool by Dorian Sagen (Carl’s son) about Newton’s 2^nd Law of Thermodynamics.  Newton argues that entropy increases- the universe will eventually become cold, dead and have no complexity. {Sounds like the US Congress…}.  Drop a tea cup and it shatters, becomes less complex and obeys the law.  But how did it get complex in the first place?  Why is something as complex as what we consider life possible if the universe is suppose to be heading toward less complexity?

We live in an energy gradient- incredible energy from our sun at one end and empty space at the other.  Every evolutionary step from the simple metabolic pathways of converting sunlight to sugar and sugar to energy results in a small loss of heat and dissipation of that gradient.  The more complex life becomes, the more efficiently it dissipates the gradient in concert with the 2^nd law.  Life exists because of the 2^nd law.  So?!?  Who wrote that law?  {Doesn’t sound like the US Congress…}

In the beginning God said “Let there be light”.  Maybe He said, “Let there be an energy gradient”?

And so ends this year’s update.

We again send our prayers to you for

Health, Happiness, Prosperity, and Joy.