It’s That Time of Year Again!!
We Proudly Present
The Burke Family’s Famous, Extremely Tacky, Mass Produced, Electronic e-mail, Xmas Form Letter
Vol. 10, No. 1, Dec 2001 including another really stupid Xmas Recipe
(Next year, maybe we can get this out on July 5th, the true start of the commercial Xmas season)
Catching Up from 2000
We’re hoping that in our thirtieth year of marriage, we’ll finally get it right. Scotland Yard is still negotiating Moira’s release from the IRA. Liam’s prosthetic thumb works sufficiently well for the Nintendo controller. The cat’s pregnant again.
OK, OK! We’re doing fine, still a family unit, paying minimum taxes, healthy, patriotic flag wavers, and still living our dreams. Details to follow:
Flying United without Joining the Mile High Club
Somewhere over Boise, ID, 11 Sept, 0832A
So there he was at 30,000 feet, deep in a new mystery novel when the pilot broke the calm to announce that he was sorry, but, “the FAA has requested that we land immediately.”
“Hmmmm….” He thought. A quick check confirmed that both wings were intact and there wasn’t a small twilight creature tearing parts off. No problem!?
A long pause. An increase in general vocalizations. A stirring among the passengers. Finally:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Captain Kirk. We have been requested to land because of a terrorist threat.” Another very long pause.
The perspiring female on the left announced in a loud whimper that she could definitely confirm it was a bomb on the plane. “Lord Jesus!! Save us!”
The high and tight Marine on the right suddenly smelled strongly of ammonia.
Captain Kirk: “We’ve just been advised that we can return to Eugene if we can get there in an hour.”
Lady: “Thank you Jesus, we’ve been given an hour!” Turning she asks: “Have you accepted the Lord as your personal savior? Better hurry, we only have one more hour.”
USMC: “Oh? No! Oh? No!….”
Captain Kirk: “When we land at Eugene, we have been asked to park on the Tarmac, so you’ll have to walk to the terminal once security says it’s OK.”
And so it was for James’ fateful Sept 11th flight. The good news? He only had to sit in that middle seat for a couple hours. And he got his frequent flyer miles too!
In the past year, he has also discovered the thrilling world of eBay. He's auctioned some power drills, a Dudley Do-Right watch, and a couple of small island nations so far.
This years Xmas Recipe- American Pie 3+ Sorry- even we aren’t tacky enough to publish our secret Anthrax Surprise Recipe this year. Ingredients: 24 cheap flags- best source is PayMore Drugs or the Ripoff Channel 12 oz canned organic patriotism (caution: don’t mistake for the orgasmic variety) 1 copy of Whitney Houston singing “America the Beautiful” (You can substitute Lawrence Welk or Puff Daddy) Several CNN mottos such as “America’s New War”, “America Strikes Back” or our personal favorite “Recession? We don’ neeeed no stinkin’ recession” 1 eye of newt- just for fun 1. Soften the flags by duct taping them an SVU for 6 weeks. 2. Smother in patriotism. 3. Stir while singing along. 4. Cover with mottos Serve to carefully |
Ride ‘em Cowgirl
Is more than bedroom innuendo! Catherine actually climbed aboard a real equine (the first draft of this letter said equestrian – but we won’t go there) and rode off into the sunset with Marty, her boss, and the girls the other women from work for a few days of fun in the Caribou Wilderness near Mt. Lassen. She and ‘Red’ (the gentlest horse) took a tour of the mountain. Sorry- no attached photos of her walking around bow-legged.
The garden, the family, work and keeping the carpet spotless occupy all the other hours. She is pleased to have confiscated the former woodshop building to transform it into her garden compound.
World Traveler Extraordinaire.
Moira’s quest for the last year was proving that the Microsoft paperclip was truly evil. In fact, being the skilled academician she is, she even acquired funding for this pursuit under the guise of computer-human interaction research. One award-winning thesis later, she furthered that and another of her goals: ridding the world of animated banner ads.
With her sheepskin and a truck full of honors endowed by a university president who mangled her name, Moira took off this summer to explore the world- or at least the European part of it. You can read ad nauseam about her exploits with gazpacho and Guinness in her weblog: http://musings.considereddesign.com .
Now she is ready to change the world as we know it, but with the sagging economy, has been relegated to her parents’ couch so far. Gotta job? Call her! Please! Soon! OK?
The View at Graduation Grumpy, Happy, Smiley, and Sneezy
Liam
Is learning to drive! We won’t go there at this time. Ya’ll are probably still safe driving in Oregon for a while longer.
James came home one day to discover a large silver metal object in the middle of his son’s tongue. Yup! You guessed it! He’d gone out and had a pair of earth magnets placed on each side of his tongue to replicate a real piercing! Can’t wait tell next April Fool’s day!
We are currently awaiting the college application process to begin. Those with teenagers know what we mean. Those without - bless your good fortune.
In the meantime hangin’ out, chillin’, guitarin’, swimmin’, and volunteerin’ at the middle school to help youngsters fill his life.
The Family Continues to Grow
We have another new cat! (The thing about the pregnant cat in the opening was a joke, if you didn’t get it!) Moira’s cat Hazel now lives with us, eats, and snorts condescendingly at the other cats. Cosette, the $2000 beagle, lost an argument with a vehicle on the highway and spent the summer in surgery or wearing a cast while learning new begging techniques. Scratching (read: repeatedly banging) her head with the cast was quite a sight. We’re happy to report that she’s well enough to climb back on all the furniture
she’s not suppose to be on.
The business continues to grow despite the worst predictions of the media talking heads. This season we featured Nabilat *. It’s an increasingly rare species, imported at great risk from Afghanistan before it became extinct.
Seriously though- we sponsored the Marine Corps Toys for Tots drive, opened our classroom for several nights of free woodworking, and had our customers create about a hundred wooden toys to donate. It was a great time with everyone winning!
And so ends another saga! We’ll touch base again next year. If you got the really boring paper copy of this letter it means we don’t have your e-mail address.
AS ALWAYS, WE SEND LOVE AND PRAYERS TO YOU AND YOURS.
* Read it backwards
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