2008

IT’S XMAS AGAIN!

New, Improved 2008 Version of the World Famous Burke Family’s Tacky Xmas Nonsense Commercial Free, no Spam, no Pop-ups, no Class.

Vol. 17, No 11, December 2008.
Past Volumes at www.burkeworks.org

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Review of 2007!

The family visited the Australian Outback, Catherine created compost, James went crazy with Woodcraft, Moira continued toward the Nobel Prize in intelligence, Liam began plans to save the planet from Global Warming. The deaf cat was obnoxious.

Master Gardener’s Corner

When asked what to report, Catherine said she really hadn’t done anything- WRONG! She is participating in a landscaping sustainability program with the county extension service, creating mountains of compost, and answering questions on the hot line:

Caller: “I need help with all the green stuff growing in my closet.”
Catherine: “You do realize that the police are monitoring this radio program and take a dim view of marijuana cultivating.”
Caller: “I’m not growing dope, you dope- it’s that green sticky stuff on the walls.”
Catherine: “I’d recommend scraping some off, blend with lo-fat crème cheese and spread on crackers.”
Caller: “Far Out Man! I tried to smoke it, but it wouldn’t stay lit.”

Xmas Poem

‘Twas the night ‘fore elections And all through the land
Not a banker was breathing, not even the clown
The bailouts were given, the congress was bribed
The money was flowing, our country lost out.

Liam steps back on the grid to save the world

Liam has been matriculating at the local college toward a degree in environmental energy conservation and technical design for building in the future. With the raising awareness of global climate concerns and the move to green, he sees an important future ahead. He continues to work multiple jobs, a significant accomplishment with so many out of work today, and enjoy life. He has been actively participating in the local house-party circuit. {Pause}. Participating by playing his guitar in various bands, that is.

The highlight of the year was a rafting trip down the Descutes River with his father and uncles.

Groundhogs, etc.

Moira began 2008 by traveling to nearby Punxatawney, Pennsylvania, to view the prognosticating groundhog. After he predicted more winter, she went back inside and continued to work on her dissertation for six more weeks. In addition to her research on social psychological phenomena in Wikipedia and online cancer support groups, she is also exploring the way that online communities can be useful forums for social support for adults on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum, and has been consulting with autism experts and autistic students in Pittsburgh. She expects this research will take exactly as long as it takes the economy to perk back up.

Meanwhile, she continues to travel the world and make her parents jealous. This years' trips included hiking and eating (and presenting at a conference) in Florence and Cinque Terre, Italy, and a multi-day backpacking trip on the Inca Trail in Peru with friends. Over the summer she did a research internship in Palo Alto at Facebook, and authored the first peer-reviewed article to be accepted for academic publication out of the company. Meanwhile, she spent every weekend in California hiking and kayaking. Now back in Pittsburgh, she keeps other grad students well fed with themed dinner parties (check out the VP debate menu on her blog, http://www.thoughtcrumbs.com).

Photo: Kids and Catherine with Catherine's 96-year-old mother, Mary Kay.

The much anticipated Annual Recipe.

This year featuring Recession Bread

1. Mix lots of free green dough in a huge depression bowl. Denominations of $1,000,000 bills work well. (Alfred E Newman is on that particular bill.)
2. Beat with a taxpayer until senseless.
3. Cook in a 7 Billion degree oven for 6 months.
4. Slice generously and give to anyone not starving.
5. Leftovers should be choked down with greasy Congressional Pork

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead
Woodcraft was sold

After ten years of franchise hell, the family saw the light and dumped the Woodcraft retail store. History will be rewritten to show this was the sentinel event that triggered the global economic crash of 2008-09. Finding themselves unemployed and bored, James & Catherine bought an 1892 farmhouse in town. The good news was that the foreclosing bank was thrilled to practically give it away. The bad news they wouldn’t take any of the twenty feral cats living under it. Update on the current money pit this time next year.
Photo: The farmhouse we're renovating.

And so ends this year’s update.

We again send our prayers to you for Health, Happiness, Prosperity, and Joy.
And your share of a bailout.

2007

The One, The Only 2007 Version

The World Famous Burke Family’s Tacky Xmas Nonsense

Commercial Free, no Spam, no Pop-ups, no Class.

Vol. 26, No 1, December 2007. Past Volumes at this blog site

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Politically Tasteless Joke

2006 in Review

James worked. Catherine gardened. Moira studied. Liam brewed beer, cooked, played guitar and enjoyed life. The cats slept. Same old, same old.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie

2007 was the year of Australia. James and Catherine arrived in Sydney just days before Dubya and the APEC conference. We think APEC is ‘Any Person Even Care?’ Police dogs, barricades, and security made sightseeing exciting. We escaped to Cairns just in time. After seeing an incredible World Heritage Rain Forrest we hopped to the wilds of Darwin and the Aboriginal lands of the equatorial north. From there we crossed the continent by train 3200 KM to Adelaide with a top to see Uluru (Ayers Rock). This is one of the isolated spots on the planet and we had to fight thousands of other tourists for a spot at the viewing station. Go figure! Australia is a fantastic country, even if they talk funny. Their elections for prime minister take a whole three months- imagine what they do if they aren’t campaigning for 3+ years. But it did get pretty nasty when one candidate told the other “Lair, lair, pants on fire.” He got a 30 minute time out in parliament.

If you can’t make it to Australia, enjoy our trip vicariously. You can go to this blog site and download a zip file called Aussie 2007. This is a PowerPoint presentation of over 600 photos and an hour of original Australian music. Unzip it and run it on PowerPoint.

Catherine’s Corner

The MASTER GARDENER in the family now is a fully certified compost specialist. Even has a little orange name tag to prove it to disbelievers.

Catherine continues to be one of those wondrous volunteers who answer the phones at the local extension service when you call in. Overheard this year:

Caller: “Hello- My wife wanted to be turned into compost when she died. I’ve got the body in the freezer and want to know if I can use a Craftsman Wood Chipper to prepare it.”

Catherine: “The Sears and Robuck manual says that it will handle limbs up to 8 inches in diameter, so you should be ok. They do recommend cleaning with a power-washer and bleach when you’re done, but try not to get bleach in the compost pile. Bleach is really hard on the beneficial rotifers.”

Caller: “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Catherine: “And also- if you mix shredded newspaper in, it will speed up the progress.”

Caller: “Oh goodie! Now I know what to do with all those back issues of the congressional record.”

And if that’s not exciting enough, she’s also currently looking for a house to flip.

Xmas song of Joy- sung to the rap version of

“Mary Had a Little Lamb.”

♪Voters just don’t give a damn.♫

♪They’re fleeced from dawn to dusk

♫And everywhere their party goes

The dough is sure to flow. ♫

Fairy tales always begin with “Once Upon a Time” OR “If elected, I promise”

Liam- Cooking up a Storm

The MASTER BREWER and BUDDING CHEF in the family has been spotted working at Ambrosia, a local restaurant in Eugene, famous for its culinary excellence, fine wines, and fewest number of Ptomaine poisoning per capita in the Northwest. He’s been trying to convince the owners to convert the basement into his own personal brewery. He’s also still working at Humble Bagel pushing dough onto the community at large. He has been spending what little free time remains serenading pretty young things with his guitar songs.

CHI- not the weird tea drink

CHI=Computer-Human Interactions. Despite her father’s belief that all human-computer interactions should end with ‘hit any key’ using a sledgehammer, Moira continues her progress toward her PhD at Carnegie Mellon. In her third of five (or six) years, she is building automatic models of the way people talk in online communities such as Wikipedia, Facebook, and health support groups, figuring out what patterns of language get strangers to talk to and trust each other. In her oodles of free time in the last twelve months, she has hiked one of the world’s steepest valleys in Hawaii, nearly fallen off a fjord in Iceland (subsequently promising to name her first born after Runar, the Icelandic guide who helped her climb back down), and swam with a nurse shark in Mexico. She also sings in a jazz combo and bakes fantastic vegan cupcakes.

You’ll need to go to her website at www.thoughtcrumbs.com to see all the fabulous things she’s been up to. While you’re at it, check out www.veggieburgh.com where she rates the best and the worst of vegetarian fare in Pittsburgh.

The much anticipated Annual Recipe’.

This year featuring Political Pot Pies

Take a Woman, a Black, a Jew, A Mormon, and Several Idiots.

Mix them thoroughly into Campaign Trail Mix.

Remove all extraneous decorum and common sense.

Season to taste with talk radio and pundit puffs.

Let set for a 60 second sound bite.

Simmer for 2-3 years with occasional stirrings.

Bring to a roaring boil at the last minute.

Add an unknown element that thinks the world is 6000 years old.

Prepare a bed of jackass crackers and elephant biscuits

Garnish with lots of green, both soft and hard.

Flush the whole think down the toilet and start again.

Catherine & James will be running for an office in the Silly Hat Party- Donations accepted

And so ends this year’s update.

We again send our wishes to you for

Health, Happiness, Prosperity, and Joy.

2006

We’re Back, AGAIN!

New, Improved 2006 Version of the World Famous Burke Family’s Tacky Xmas Nonsense

Commercial Free, no Spam, no Pop-ups, no Class.

Vol. 15, No 1, December 2006.  Past Volumes at http://www.burkeworks.org

Subscription Notification

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Why there was no 2005 volume:

Nothing happened!!  We had a couple folks over for dinners, did a business trip of no importance, made some phone calls, had eye exams, new glasses, and Liam had his teeth cleaned.  We had not one, but two garden tours, AND! went to the Country Fair (AKA  the Eugene Almost Naked Hippy Thing).  Last time we did that was 35 years ago.

Oh yeah, we also had the water pump replaced in one of the old cars we still drive.  But no typhoons, earthquakes, carjacking, thefts, new pets, lawsuits, IRS audits, or political intrigue.  It’s all true!  We reviewed the calendar!

It’s really sad to share how really boring we are. Really!  Maybe this year we’ll do something really, really exciting, like visiting the Spruce Goose in McMinnville. Maybe? 

Catherine’s Tea Parties ( catburke10@yahoo.com )

The MASTER GARDENER in the family now is offering specially brewed tea. Compost tea that is.  Blended Black Gold.  Packed with all those healthy aerobic micro-organisms (not to be mistaken for a heavy breathing micro orgasm), this unique blend of worm pooh-poohs, molasses, kelp stuff, and branch water is skillfully blended in a hand crafted plastic garbage can, and aged for hours with gentle bubbles of fresh Oregon air.   Order now for a spring spritzer on those tender young plants in your garden.   Catherine was considering an online business- WormPoo.com, but some grunge band already has the name.

Catherine continues to be one of the volunteers who answer the phones at the local extension service when you call in:

Caller:  “Hello- The voices are telling me that the radishes in my garden are planning to take over the planet.  What should I do?”

Catherine: “Hold on a moment…Hmmm… my Master Gardener’s Guide says that if wear your stockings inside out for one week and pour a quart of WormPoo over your head, you will save humanity and your hair will take on a nice sheen.”

Caller: “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you.”

And if that’s not exciting enough, she’s also a slum lord, extorting money from unwary renters.

Xmas song of joy
Sung to the rap version of   “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

♪Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo hoe♫

♪Xmas time be here

♫Whadda ya, howdo ya, whydo ya, whendo ya

Love da one yo near? ♫

Huh! Huh! Huh!

{Singer now stares at camera and makes a weird finger gesture}

Liam, not to be out done, holds beer busts

( elbeats@gmail.com )

The MASTER BREWER in the family has coalesced his knowledge of chemistry, biology, and human nature into the brewing of a classic, fine, homebrew.  Local pubs are quivering in either fear or anticipation of the first commercial keg, scheduled at some future date.  His Wort {the term for the goo beer comes from- not to be confused with the growths on a witch's nose} has produced a full flavored, malty brew with just a hint of caramel, honey and molasses.  Rumor has it that a grunge band got their name after drinking an early batch.  There are other rumors about spritzing tender young things in the spring time. And as if he didn't already get his fill of yeasty micro-organisms, he has been working full-time at a local bagel bakery.

Celebrating 21 years of life this year, Liam plans to explore the reefs off Cozumel looking for residual damage from a bad 2004 hurricane season.  His last dive trip was when hurricane Ivan slammed the island.  Better luck this time.

Moira: Still a nerdy vegetarian: Now appearing in Pittsburgh

 ( Moira@considereddesign.com )

You know the Monopoly community chest card "Bank error in your favor?"  Moira's life is currently like that.  She has somehow convinced The Man to pay her to travel the world, give her a shiny Powerbook, and surround her with smart friends, and all she has to do is write the occasional paper.  She's in her second year of PhD studies in the Human-Computer Interaction Institute at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh (http://www.hcii.cs.cmu.edu). 

She studies the way that newcomers in online communities (like Google Groups) introduce themselves, and determines which rhetorical strategies get others to answer.  For example, if you say "I've been reading this group for a while" you'll get twice as many replies, regardless of whether you've actually been there.  She has presented her work in Banff, Montreal, Vienna, and all over the U.S. (including Hawaii this January).  A side project about online donation communities after Hurricane Katrina will appear as a book chapter this spring.

Meanwhile, she's become a raging organic foodie, publishing a vegetarian recipe/restaurant review blog (http://www.veggieburgh.com), and exhausting the Carnegie Library's supply of books on sustainable agriculture and gourmet cooking.  She hiked in the rainforest in Ecuador last March, and is planning a trip to Iceland this spring.  She still writes to her regular blog, too (http://www.considereddesign.com).

The much anticipated annual recipe

This year featuring I-rock Crock Pot

Mix equal parts of Hope, Caring, Charity, Patience, and Goodwill.

Sift out all the religious contaminants, hatred, fear, and politics.

Take all of the remaining resources, add abundant clean water.

Cook slowly and gently without outside agitation.  Share with everyone you know.

Those in the know will realize this is the same recipe as 2004.   Some things do improve with age.

2^nd Law of Thermodynamics.  James’ views of the Scientific Realist

 ( James@burkeworks.org )

Editor’s Wanted- low pay but lots of gratitude.  View the progress of the next great American Novel at www.Burkeworks.org.  James is writing a novel, variously described as an adventure, action, psychological thriller, SciFi mystery novel.  The cover will show a scuba diving gynecologist killing alien beings.  He thinks it includes all of the current popular genre’, but if you can think of others- he’ll write them into the plot.

Continuing to study at Euglene.Edu, James ponders the state of our beleaguered planet and the effects of global warming.  For a scientific and realistic view of what is happening we invite you to read The Revenge of Gaia. by James Lovelock.  Or visit:  http://www.prototista.org/ .

This year’s epiphany came with reading Into the Cool by Dorian Sagen (Carl’s son) about Newton’s 2^nd Law of Thermodynamics.  Newton argues that entropy increases- the universe will eventually become cold, dead and have no complexity. {Sounds like the US Congress…}.  Drop a tea cup and it shatters, becomes less complex and obeys the law.  But how did it get complex in the first place?  Why is something as complex as what we consider life possible if the universe is suppose to be heading toward less complexity?

We live in an energy gradient- incredible energy from our sun at one end and empty space at the other.  Every evolutionary step from the simple metabolic pathways of converting sunlight to sugar and sugar to energy results in a small loss of heat and dissipation of that gradient.  The more complex life becomes, the more efficiently it dissipates the gradient in concert with the 2^nd law.  Life exists because of the 2^nd law.  So?!?  Who wrote that law?  {Doesn’t sound like the US Congress…}

In the beginning God said “Let there be light”.  Maybe He said, “Let there be an energy gradient”?

And so ends this year’s update.

We again send our prayers to you for

Health, Happiness, Prosperity, and Joy.

2004

We’re Back!

New, Improved 2004 Version of the World Famous Burke Family’s Tacky Xmas Epistle

Commercial Free, no Spam, no Pop-ups, no Class.

Vol. 13, No 1, December 2004.  Past Volumes at www.burkeworks.org

Subscription Notification

Act now!  Send us your e-mail address before midnight tonight and continue to receive a free yearly up date to this journal. And the first 1000 responders will be automatically entered for a chance to win their very own free Ginsu knife.

They’re called Typhoons on Guam

Having thought braving 12 typhoons and an 8.1 magnitude earthquake while living on Guam was enough, the Burke Family got to see Hurricane Ivan up close and personal.

Three days into a vacation on Cozumel the authorities closed the airport, harbors, shipping, and boarded up the hotels.  Ivan blew through the 95 mile wide straight between Cozumel and Cuba, wiping out most of Cuba and giving Mexico a thrill.

James, Moira and Liam did get to enjoy three days of spectacular diving including a very close encounter with a huge (gets bigger every telling….) nurse shark.  She cruised back and forth, around, and between them looking for a hand out.

Don’t know which was bigger- Moira’s eyes or the coral heads.

The rest of the week was spent watching the pod of dolphins that took up residence in the Hotel pool during the storm.  Or watching the rain and reruns of bad movies in Spanish from the room.

 

Note: stupid hats, sunburned noses, phony smiles and Liam’s devil eyes.

Click for Dolphin Video 1

Catherine Joins the Greens

It began as too many hills of cucumbers when living in Tangent 35 years ago. It grew into not just gardens but “rooms” on the property (real gardeners know what that means) to achieving the esteemed bright orange badge stating she is a MASTER GARDENER.

Catherine is now one of those wondrous volunteers who answer the phones at the local extension service when you call in:

Caller:  “Hello- I have this funny fuzzy stuff and crawly bugs all over one of my whats-ya-callit plants.”

Catherine:  “Clearly this represents a serious infestation of the dreaded whooley beetle.  Since this is the first case we’ve detected in the Pacific Northwest.  I have already notified Homeland Security.  They will be there in a few minutes to burn your home to the ground and eliminate this threat.  We thank you for your assistance.”

And if that’s not exciting, she also volunteers at CValCo* (pronounced CValCo) where she directs the new and foolish to Oregon on where to find the best places to live (near Woodcraft), eat (near Woodcraft), and shop (Woodcraft). 

* Convention and Visitors Association of Lane County

Xmas song of Joy- sung to “Happy days are here again”

?Empty nest is here at last?

?The house is finally ours again

?So sing a song of joy again

Empty nest is here at last?

That about sums up this year.  Liam moved out last year to start matriculating/ masticating at the U of O.  Dorm life proved a bit much so this year he moved into his own place.  Well- sort of his own if you don’t count the roommates.  Beyond the usual educational questions about calculus, chemistry, funk guitar and the history of rock and roll are the real educational questions:

“Did you know the electric company sends a bill every month?”

“I thought that if we kept all the garbage for a couple months we’d

 get a break on their bill?”

Seriously though, Liam continues to work hard at music, science,

and scuba diving while enjoying life.

Lindy Hopping in Vienna, et al

It would be overwhelmingly ostentatious to publish Moira’s CV in the Christmas letter, so you’ll need to go to her website at www.considereddesign.com to see all the fabulous things she’s been up to.  Not least of which was a trip to Vienna to present her prestigious research paper at the CHI conference.  (Computer Human Interactions, not that hippy tea drink).  Add to that trips to Boston and Boise to present Library Technology topics and you’ll get the idea.

  The Burke women after six straight days of preparation for Thanksgiving.

Moira is currently worried about whether Carnegie Mellon, M.I.T., or WBCU (World’s Best Computer University) will accept her for an advanced degree program.  She only had perfect scores on all her GRE’s.  But that only put her in the 95th percentile. Perfect scores?  95th percentile?  Huh?  Clearly there is a right wing conspiracy that allows government selected applicants to get in the 98th percentile.

In the meantime she continues to Salsa Dance her way to fame and fortune.

The much anticipated Annual Recipe’.

This year featuring Burke Family Love Biscuits

Mix equal parts of Hope, Caring, Charity, Patience, and Goodwill

Sift out all the religious contaminants, hatred, fear, and politics.

Take all of the remaining resources, add abundant clean water.

Pour into fair nation size portions.

Cook slowly and gently without outside agitation.

Share with everyone you know.

The sky is falling.

Or at least the icecaps might be melting? And Global Warming might not be just an environmental whacko myth.

In response to a newspaper article about complexity theory and fractal geometry, James signed up for a couple courses in Mathematic Complexity and Gaia Theory (geophysiology).  Getting over the initial shock of first night class being held in incense clouded industrial warehouse, taught by a PhD of Evolutionary Biology wearing a camouflage kilt, his mind was opened to a whole new view of life.  Life- an autopoietic, dissipative, self organizing system. (See www.prototista.org/). 

Earth is a living structure that takes in energy, has an active metabolism, and is warming at an alarming rate.  Help protect her!  Learn about her!

Next year you’ll find him on a corner with a sign that says:

“The end is near. The planet is too hot.  Give me $1 million.”

Next term it’s hoped that James and Liam can take the basic evolutionary biology course together. 

And so ends this year’s update.

We again send our prayers to you for

Health, Happiness, Prosperity, and Joy.

PS- no new animal stories this year. Spud has a tumor on his head, Elvis is still bulimic, Athena is no longer dumb as a rock- she’s dumber than a whole bag full! Cosette is dieting and is very unhappy.

2003

Oh! No!  It’s the Burke Form Letter- Again

The Burke Family’s Famous, Extremely Tacky, Mass Produced, E-mail, Xmas Form Letter

Vol. 12, No. 1, Dec 2003 including another really stupid Xmas Recipe

(If you are missing Vol. 11, it’s ‘cause there wasn’t one last year)

Catching Up from 2001

Despite rumors to the contrary, the cat is not pregnant again, Catherine really didn’t win the lottery, James has not cornered the market on the Little Purple Pill, Liam wasn’t the first person arrested on Federal anti-spam charges, and Moira hasn’t won a Nobel, Pulitzer, or Grammy (yet).

Sinking to a new low- 120’ BSL (below sea level)

Somewhere under the Caribbean, Summer, 2002

So there they were, slowly ascending from about 120’ at the bottom of a reef off of the Grand Caymans, when the music from Jaws was heard.  Suddenly there were no fish to be seen or photographed.  The usually 86-degree water developed a chill. Out of the murk, they emerged.  Sleek, menacing, grinning and drooling.  Not one, but two sharks headed at them.

James, relying on years of scuba experience, remembered to breathe.  He also activated the internally plumbed, anatomic wet suit warming device.  Liam, the newest, and possibly most promising scuba enthusiast chased the critters across the coral attempting to ‘catch a ride’ or at least pet them.  Sharks, being more intelligent than most give them credit for, abandoned their obvious meal plan, tucked their tails between their dorsal fins and swam away.

Spotted Eel

The rest of the weeklong, graduation gift and initiation into the awe and wonder of God’s ocean was spent with mundane activities like feeding stingrays, chasing turtles, and admiring bikinis.

This year James made a trip to Cozumel to check out the drift diving, while Liam started school.  This term he’s taking advanced scuba, swim conditioning, and outdoor survival.  His parents also understand that he might even take something academic as well.

James with 200 Lb Grouper

This years Xmas Recipe- Sadman Insane Soufflé

Sorry- we still aren’t tacky enough to publish our secret Anthrax Surprise Recipe this year.

Ingredients:

Deposed Dictator, Ayatollah, Militant Mullah, or Gangsta Rapp’r.  Best if freshly removed from a               spider hole, rinsed off and allowed to rot.

Sprinkle generously with 3 parts contempt, 1 tsp. hatred, 2 oz. barbaric sauce, and a pinch of devil weed.  You may substitute Cilantro for devil weed.

Boil to frenzy in a media pot and allow simmering for several years in the Cuban sun.

When ready, serve cold on a bed of World Opinion with Halliburton Dressing.

Ride ‘em Cowgirls

The girls    The women   The wife and daughter    The significant other and female child unit   Catherine and Moira terrorized the frogs French, the English and the Spaniards last Spring.  Fortunately Moira had not yet acquired her current accordion and musical skills, so we didn’t have to bail them out of a Spanish jail for playing “Lady of Spain”.  Nor did they get in trouble for dancing the Lindy Hop in London.  They did, however, visit every castle, art museum, vegetarian restaurant, and boutique on the continent   Alan Greenback is studying the effect they had on the exchange rate for Euros v. dollars.

 

                          Moira & Catherine in Paris                                           Moira & Friend

Catherine, after touring all the gardens of Europe, returned home and has been accepted into the Master Gardener Program with the local Extension Service.  If you thought Oregon was green- just wait.

Catherine

Look Out Bill Gates.

Moira got off the couch (see vol. 10, 2001) and went to work for Portland Community College.  She is officially the Grand Jubbah in charge of all intellectual efforts for the entire library system, Internet, web pages, and techodeveloposmartstuff- now and forever.

She just bought an accordion.  (Pause).  How many reading this remember some slimy salesman in a plaid coat that your parents invited to show you how exciting it would be to play the accordion??  If you answered yes, you’re over the age of 45!  But times have changed, and Moira is once again on the cusp.  Or else it’s a way to get even with the neighbor who lives above her and tap dances at 2 AM??  Only time will tell.

You can read about her exploits in her weblog: .

Liam

Last missive we warned you that Liam was learning to drive.  Now that he’s off to school at the University of Oregon he has a free bus pass, an old VW Van in the garage, and a rude awareness of what insurance companies think of 18-year-old males.

  

Liam Feeding Stingrays!

Guitar, studies, new friends, dorm life, and a part time job keep him pretty busy.  But seriously folks- he’s really developed an innate talent for diving and looks forward to continuing his training and adventures.  On his first extensive dive trip he proved to be one of the best and most competent dive partners James had ever been with.

We are establishing a trust fund (donations welcome) for surgically implanting those new artificial gills as soon as they are available.

Liam Harassing Tortugas

Who was that Bald Cousin??

Grandma Marybelle (Aunt B, Grammy, Great grandma) passed away this year.  The family got together this summer and celebrated the wonderful life we all shared with her.  Thank God we’re all finally old enough to let all those skeletons out of the closet!  The mayhem was just like many of us remembered (or were told about) the years we grew up in Denver.  And the lies stories we told!  We never knew that Marybelle really had 27 brother and sisters, was married to 9 different, wonderful men- some more than once, and fought in the war of 1812.  Wow!

And yes!  The CD of all those pictures is finally finished!!  Some of you will get it with this mailing.  PLEASE! PLEASE! Email or write or call us with your current address, etc.  We’ll get one to you.  If you weren’t there and have no idea what we’re talking about- we’ll send you one anyway.

But who was that bald guy talking to what’s-her-name there in the back yard?

Pet Update!

We have another new/old cat!  The last new one (vol. 10) moved to Portland with Moira, but retains visiting status.  Gabby the Gray who we found in a garbage can in Guam is now pushing daisies in the garden, Elvis continues to be bulimic, Athena still has to be shown where the food bowl is located, or starve to death, and when Verlee (James’ mother) passed away last year, we made a rescue drive from Santa Ana back to Oregon with Spud, whom we had as a kitten, but had to give to the parents, along with Wizard, who immediately ran away, when we moved to Guam, and couldn’t take back when we came home, and needed a place to live again. Whew! Got it? 

Cosette, the beagle hasn’t run off in several hours now.  We think it’s too much work for her to haul her rotund torso very far.

After 5 years there are still no pet bats in the bat house by the garden.   We keep hoping.

And so ends another saga! We’ll touch base again next year, providing the warden continues to allow us to have paper and pencils.

AS ALWAYS, WE SEND LOVE AND PRAYERS TO YOU AND YOURS.

2001

It’s That Time of Year Again!!

We Proudly Present

The Burke Family’s Famous, Extremely Tacky, Mass Produced, Electronic e-mail, Xmas Form Letter

Vol. 10, No. 1, Dec 2001 including another really stupid Xmas Recipe

(Next year, maybe we can get this out on July 5^th, the true start of the commercial Xmas season)

Catching Up from 2000

We’re hoping that in our thirtieth year of marriage, we’ll finally get it right.  Scotland Yard is still negotiating Moira’s release from the IRA.  Liam’s prosthetic thumb works sufficiently well for the Nintendo controller. The cat’s pregnant again.

OK, OK!  We’re doing fine, still a family unit, paying minimum taxes, healthy, patriotic flag wavers, and still living our dreams.  Details to follow:

Flying United without Joining the Mile High Club

Somewhere over Boise, ID, 11 Sept, 0832A

So there he was at 30,000 feet, deep in a new mystery novel when the pilot broke the calm to announce that he was sorry, but, “the FAA has requested that we land immediately.”

“Hmmmm….” He thought.  A quick check confirmed that both wings were intact and there wasn’t a small twilight creature tearing parts off. No problem!?

A long pause. An increase in general vocalizations. A stirring among the passengers.  Finally:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Captain Kirk.  We have been requested to land because of a terrorist threat.”  Another very long pause.

The perspiring female on the left announced in a loud whimper that she could definitely confirm it was a bomb on the plane.  “Lord Jesus!!  Save us!”

The high and tight Marine on the right suddenly smelled strongly of ammonia.

Captain Kirk:  “We’ve just been advised that we can return to Eugene if we can get there in an hour.”

Lady: “Thank you Jesus, we’ve been given an hour!”  Turning she asks: “Have you accepted the Lord as your personal savior?  Better hurry, we only have one more hour.”

USMC: “Oh? No! Oh? No!….”

Captain Kirk: “When we land at Eugene, we have been asked to park on the Tarmac, so you’ll have to walk to the terminal once security says it’s OK.”

And so it was for James’ fateful Sept 11th flight. The good news?  He only had to sit in that middle seat for a couple hours.  And he got his frequent flyer miles too!

In the past year, he has also discovered the thrilling world of eBay.  He's auctioned some power drills, a Dudley Do-Right watch, and a couple of small island nations so far. 

This years Xmas Recipe- American Pie 3+ Sorry- even we aren’t tacky enough to publish our secret Anthrax Surprise Recipe this year. Ingredients: 24 cheap flags- best source is PayMore Drugs or the Ripoff Channel 12 oz canned organic patriotism (caution: don’t mistake for the orgasmic variety) 1 copy of Whitney Houston singing “America the Beautiful” (You can substitute Lawrence Welk or Puff Daddy) Several CNN mottos such as “America’s New War”, “America Strikes Back” or our personal favorite “Recession? We don’ neeeed no stinkin’ recession” 1 eye of newt- just for fun 1.                   Soften the flags by duct taping them an SVU for 6 weeks. 2.                   Smother in patriotism. 3.                   Stir while singing along. 4.                   Cover with mottos Serve to carefully frozen  chosen friends

Ride ‘em Cowgirl

Is more than bedroom innuendo!  Catherine actually climbed aboard a real equine (the first draft of this letter said equestrian – but we won’t go there) and rode off into the sunset with Marty, her boss, and the girls the other women from work for a few days of fun in the Caribou Wilderness near Mt. Lassen.  She and ‘Red’ (the gentlest horse) took a tour of the mountain.   Sorry- no attached photos of her walking around bow-legged.

The garden, the family, work and keeping the carpet spotless occupy all the other hours.  She is pleased to have confiscated the former woodshop building to transform it into her garden compound.

World Traveler Extraordinaire.

Moira’s quest for the last year was proving that the Microsoft paperclip was truly evil.  In fact, being the skilled academician she is, she even acquired funding for this pursuit under the guise of computer-human interaction research.  One award-winning thesis later, she furthered that and another of her goals: ridding the world of animated banner ads. 

With her sheepskin and a truck full of honors endowed by a university president who mangled her name, Moira took off this summer to explore the world- or at least the European part of it.  You can read ad nauseam about her exploits with gazpacho and Guinness in her weblog: http://musings.considereddesign.com .

Now she is ready to change the world as we know it, but with the sagging economy, has been relegated to her parents’ couch so far.  Gotta job?  Call her!  Please!  Soon!  OK?

            The View at Graduation                        Grumpy, Happy, Smiley, and Sneezy

Liam

Is learning to drive! We won’t go there at this time. Ya’ll are probably still safe driving in Oregon for a while longer.

James came home one day to discover a large silver metal object in the middle of his son’s tongue.  Yup!  You guessed it!  He’d gone out and had a pair of earth magnets placed on each side of his tongue to replicate a real piercing!  Can’t wait tell next April Fool’s day!

We are currently awaiting the college application process to begin.  Those with teenagers know what we mean.  Those without - bless your good fortune.

In the meantime hangin’ out, chillin’, guitarin’, swimmin’, and volunteerin’ at the middle school to help youngsters fill his life.

The Family Continues to Grow

We have another new cat!  (The thing about the pregnant cat in the opening was a joke, if you didn’t get it!)  Moira’s cat Hazel now lives with us, eats, and snorts condescendingly at the other cats.  Cosette, the $2000 beagle, lost an argument with a vehicle on the highway and spent the summer in surgery or wearing a cast while learning new begging techniques.  Scratching (read: repeatedly banging) her head with the cast was quite a sight.  We’re happy to report that she’s well enough to climb back on all the furniture

she’s not suppose to be on.

                       

The business continues to grow despite the worst predictions of the media talking heads.  This season we featured Nabilat *.  It’s an increasingly rare species, imported at great risk from Afghanistan before it became extinct. 

Seriously though- we sponsored the Marine Corps Toys for Tots drive, opened our classroom for several nights of free woodworking, and had our customers create about a hundred wooden toys to donate.  It was a great time with everyone winning!

And so ends another saga! We’ll touch base again next year.  If you got the really boring paper copy of this letter it means we don’t have your e-mail address.

AS ALWAYS, WE SEND LOVE AND PRAYERS TO YOU AND YOURS.

*  Read it backwards