Xmas Letter 2009

IT’S XMAS AGAIN!

New, Improved 2009 Version of the World Famous Burke Family Tacky Xmas Letter.

Nonsense, Commercial Free, no Spam, no Pop-ups, no Class.

Subscription Notification

Act now!  Send us your e-mail address and continue to receive a free yearly up date to this journal.  Do it by midnight and the first 1000 responders will be automatically entered for a chance to win a prize to be determined.  Your privacy is our first concern.  We will never share your e-mail address with anyone.  However, the CIA, NSA, FBI, Homeland Security, Google, AOL, Citibank, and that prince with the money in Nigeria have already hacked this site.

Review of 2008!

James became unemployed, ineligible for unemployment, social security, health insurance, food stamps, Medicare, Medicaid, or the dole.  He did receive a free issue of the Limbaugh Letter and a discount offer for FutureHope, a Novel Approach to the Democratic Epiphany.  To date, Goldman Sachs has not responded to requests for our fair portion of their bailout.  It’s great to be middle class in America.  Despite the economy and hardships we all share, we are fortunate to have our home, our family, food on our table, and the opportunity to help others less fortunate.

The Farmhouse

Having divested of the Woodcraft Store last year (see vol. 2008) we purchased an 1892 farmhouse complete with 30 feral cats, mold, previous remuddling, and the blackberries from hell.  Catherine mixed up some incredible colors from recycled paints while James learned to drive a backhoe.  We found three old claw foot bathtubs on Craig’s List and traded one of them for help hauling another one upstairs.

New walls, plumbing, electrical, stairs, hardwood flooring fixtures, landscaping, etc. and after a year, we’re ready to pass the final inspection.  Time to sell this albatross.  Now if we can just figure out how to turn it into a bank and get some bailout funds…

Check out the before and after photos.

James Page

Since someone else got the job as greeter for Wally World, James remains happily unemployed.  However, readers knowing of a career for an old fart that requires minimum effort, has maximum benefits, and can be done from home in a bathrobe, are asked to call.  References?  He don’ need no stinkin’ references.

Many thanks to those who have been helping edit and read the new novel, Kelly’s Reef.  Check out the blog page and leave a comment about the first chapter.  If you are interested in being one of the original readers and providing feedback, let us know.  You might even get you name on the acknowledgment page (but no money).

            Working on the farmhouse and the second novel* occupies most of his free time.

                                    * The Pocket Watch.  A novel of suspense.  The hero inherits an antique pocket watch missing the hour hand.  The minute hand moves him 1 hour forward or backward in time.  Can he stop a terrorist bomber before it’s too late?  Tune in next year.

Master Gardener’s Corner

Transcript:  Call to the Master Gardener/ Compost Expert:

Ring, ring

“Hello”

“Listen lady, it’s 6 AM and I can see you in your garden wearing nothing but a bathrobe.”

“Pervert!  This garden was designated a ‘Sustainable Garden’ by the extension service and I need to get ready for the big shoe in three months.  This is the only time I can hand pick the slugs.”

“Slugs?  I love slugs- especially deep fried.  What are you going to do with them?”

“I’ll either spice my compost tea, or give them away as prizes at the County Fair Master Gardeners’ Booth.”

Sound of a phone hanging up. 

After dark, James took away her flashlight, made her quit gardening and come indoors.

Catherine continues to amaze the gardening world with her green arms.  This year South Lane Mental Health asked her to open her garden for a tour to benefit.  People paid lots of money in hopes of seeing her in the bathrobe.  Thousands of visitors (okay, okay, just 187) saw her incredible landscapes of local hardy plants, vegetables, and slug free compost.

This Years Fight Song

                        The Rose Bowl Duck Song (sung to twinkle, twinkle…)

                        Rosebowl, Rosebowl, ducks will score,

                        Since we won the Civil War.

                        Up above the Pac 10’s best

                        Not like rodents to the west.

                        Ducks will kick Ohio’s butt

                        Leaving Buckeye’s in a rut.

{Apologies to Oregon State, Ohio State, and music critics everywhere.}

Moira's page
Moira's Site: Thought Crumbs

This year Moira tried to hide from her thesis advisor in the deserts of Jordan, particularly the national parks like Petra (think Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) and Wadi Rum (think Lawrence of Arabia).  Unfortunately, her Beduoin guide betrayed her and gave out his Blackberry number. Her advisor called in the middle of the night, so she had to write  a dissertation chapter while on the back of a camel. On her iphone. Her wayfaring companions (the same grad students she travels with every year) fared no better; Amy defended her thesis while snorkeling in the Red Sea.

Meanwhile, Moira managed to sweet-talk Facebook into letting her intern with them again in Palo Alto over the summer. More hiking and kayaking, and a little bit of data analysis. She'll finish her dissertation next year and then will be looking for a job.




Liam’s Mystery Page

Liam is a mystery.  He lives in the House of Mystery in Gold Hill, or lives in a mystery house, or it’s a mystery that he lives in a house, or he lives in a house and works at being a mystery. 

No, wait!  We know.  He works at the Oregon House of Mystery and has his own place in Gold Hill.  Something like that.  It’s a mystery.

As of last Christmas, Liam finished his first year of energy classes, and since has used "kilowatt-hour" in every other sentence.  He spent the summer in rustic Gold Hill, in a mystery house.  Maybe its a mystery that there are actually houses in Gold Hill, but we're not sure.  He got a job giving tours at the House of Mystery, and has become something of a mystery himself.  Otherwise, it has been a year full of mystery, music, and a new love interest that have kept him busy. .

Liam’s Photo Spread from the amazing Oregon Vortex.

Pet Page

     Our antique cat Athena continues to hang on.  The last of our Guam boonie cats, she is deaf as a post and persnickety about which quality mini can of food she’ll eat on any given day.  She has learned to pop the top and help herself to the Whisker Lickin’s treat can.  We show her all the photos in the newspaper of kittens to adopt, but she doesn’t seem to get the hint.

            James has been reading about training a German Shepherd puppy to be a search and rescue dog.  Readers with any experience or common sense are asked to call and dissuade him.

This year's Xmas Recipe – Politico Chili

Make room in your freezer- this recipe won’t be ready until June, 2011-or our next election.

Ingredients:  2 lbs of blue-dog dissonance, 2 lbs of GOP sour apples, 2 lbs of Congressional ineptitude, a large dollop of hope, an equal dollop of disappointment, 6 tons of minced lobbying influence, and some General McCrystal Sauce (politically optional).

Mix the ingredients into a large Afghan bowl {Iraq, Iran, N. Korea, or a younameitistan bowl works equally well}.

Wait for Climate Change or the Nobel Peace Prize to heat the mixture.

Caution:  Should this recipe explode and cause physical harm, the author recommends you ask your elected representative if your health insurance will cover damages.

SPAM

Coffee firmly griped in my hand, I opened my morning e-mail. Three swallows and a bite of bagel later I had downloaded all 187 vitally important communications. I suddenly had 186 new friends and a note from my cousin.

Sgt. Perry needed urgent help. He sent the same e-mail four times within four minutes. Sgt. Perry is in a military (he didn’t specify whose) protecting a deposed government official who has millions of dollars that he needs to get from Nigeria to the US. London Barrister Arthur sent the same request! So did Sister Mary Margarita. I specifically selected for this economic opportunity over all those other ‘undisclosed recipients’ made me proud.

I immediately opened the e-mails from Amex, UPS, CitiBank, and Western Union and sent the required information so they could access my bank accounts to make the necessary transfers. I can’t wait to get my check! This is better than playing the lottery.

And since I was feeling so good I also bought some mirikil pils for my peenis, a lifetime supply of Hoodia, and several herbal, organic life extenders. My new Russian wife will arrive next week. She’ll be happy to know I refinanced my home at 1% below the Dubai prime rate and will be able to retire now. Now, I need to respond to that website that will remove my tattoo- the one on my forehead that says PMUHC.

I love SPAM, thin sliced, covered with Velveeta and tomatoes on toasted rye bread. SPAM costs about $3.00 a can. SPAM also costs this country millions of dollars in lost productivity.

With the current economic challenges, mainstream business can’t afford this junk e-mail Tsunami. They pass the cost to you and me. It costs me to delete the SPAM I received today. I don’t want to also pay increased costs for every business that wastes time deleting the same crap from their systems.

SPAM is free to the spammers. Anybody can send thousands of emails a second to anyone they have in their address book or purchased from another spammer.

It is time to eradicate SPAM. I am advocating for a tax on e-mail. One that charges a penny for every e-mail a provider sends. I’ll gladly pay my tax burden for all the e-mails I send! I believe we need legislation requiring a delay between each e-mail sent by a provider. A few seconds or even a minute between my e-mails will never be noticed. But it will prevent spammers from posting thousands a day!

Legitimate businesses would still use e-mail marketing and be more successful. If I received two or three advertisements from a company willing to pay to solicit my business, I’d be more likely to open it. Today the one potential legitimate solicitation ended in the trash as the jelly covering the spam- unnoticed.

I will push Microsoft, AOL, Netscape and anyone else in the industry to give me a program that allows me to return this junk to spammers. Maybe I can clog their mailbox they way they clog mine.

So Spammers be on notice. I’m coming after you!

http://ideas.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/26/the-case-for-taxing-e-mail/

http://www.pcworld.com/article/110837/will_taxing_email_stop_spam.html

2008 Xmas Letter

IT’S XMAS AGAIN!

New, Improved 2008 Version of the World Famous Burke Family’s Tacky Xmas Nonsense Commercial Free, no Spam, no Pop-ups, no Class.

Vol. 17, No 11, December 2008.
Past Volumes at www.burkeworks.org

Subscription Notification

Act now! Send us your e-mail address and continue to receive a free yearly up date to this journal. Do it by midnight and the first 1000 responders will be automatically entered for a chance to win a 10% discount on Recession Goods

Review of 2007!

The family visited the Australian Outback, Catherine created compost, James went crazy with Woodcraft, Moira continued toward the Nobel Prize in intelligence, Liam began plans to save the planet from Global Warming. The deaf cat was obnoxious.

Master Gardener’s Corner

When asked what to report, Catherine said she really hadn’t done anything- WRONG! She is participating in a landscaping sustainability program with the county extension service, creating mountains of compost, and answering questions on the hot line:

Caller: “I need help with all the green stuff growing in my closet.”
Catherine: “You do realize that the police are monitoring this radio program and take a dim view of marijuana cultivating.”
Caller: “I’m not growing dope, you dope- it’s that green sticky stuff on the walls.”
Catherine: “I’d recommend scraping some off, blend with lo-fat crème cheese and spread on crackers.”
Caller: “Far Out Man! I tried to smoke it, but it wouldn’t stay lit.”

Xmas Poem

‘Twas the night ‘fore elections And all through the land
Not a banker was breathing, not even the clown
The bailouts were given, the congress was bribed
The money was flowing, our country lost out.

Liam steps back on the grid to save the world

Liam has been matriculating at the local college toward a degree in environmental energy conservation and technical design for building in the future. With the raising awareness of global climate concerns and the move to green, he sees an important future ahead. He continues to work multiple jobs, a significant accomplishment with so many out of work today, and enjoy life. He has been actively participating in the local house-party circuit. {Pause}. Participating by playing his guitar in various bands, that is.

The highlight of the year was a rafting trip down the Descutes River with his father and uncles.

Groundhogs, etc.

Moira began 2008 by traveling to nearby Punxatawney, Pennsylvania, to view the prognosticating groundhog. After he predicted more winter, she went back inside and continued to work on her dissertation for six more weeks. In addition to her research on social psychological phenomena in Wikipedia and online cancer support groups, she is also exploring the way that online communities can be useful forums for social support for adults on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum, and has been consulting with autism experts and autistic students in Pittsburgh. She expects this research will take exactly as long as it takes the economy to perk back up.

Meanwhile, she continues to travel the world and make her parents jealous. This years' trips included hiking and eating (and presenting at a conference) in Florence and Cinque Terre, Italy, and a multi-day backpacking trip on the Inca Trail in Peru with friends. Over the summer she did a research internship in Palo Alto at Facebook, and authored the first peer-reviewed article to be accepted for academic publication out of the company. Meanwhile, she spent every weekend in California hiking and kayaking. Now back in Pittsburgh, she keeps other grad students well fed with themed dinner parties (check out the VP debate menu on her blog, http://www.thoughtcrumbs.com).

Photo: Kids and Catherine with Catherine's 96-year-old mother, Mary Kay.

The much anticipated Annual Recipe.

This year featuring Recession Bread

1. Mix lots of free green dough in a huge depression bowl. Denominations of $1,000,000 bills work well. (Alfred E Newman is on that particular bill.)
2. Beat with a taxpayer until senseless.
3. Cook in a 7 Billion degree oven for 6 months.
4. Slice generously and give to anyone not starving.
5. Leftovers should be choked down with greasy Congressional Pork

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead
Woodcraft was sold

After ten years of franchise hell, the family saw the light and dumped the Woodcraft retail store. History will be rewritten to show this was the sentinel event that triggered the global economic crash of 2008-09. Finding themselves unemployed and bored, James & Catherine bought an 1892 farmhouse in town. The good news was that the foreclosing bank was thrilled to practically give it away. The bad news they wouldn’t take any of the twenty feral cats living under it. Update on the current money pit this time next year.

Photo: The farmhouse we're renovating.

And so ends this year’s update.

We again send our prayers to you for Health, Happiness, Prosperity, and Joy.
And your share of a bailout.

2007 Xmas Letter

The One, The Only 2007 Version

The World Famous Burke Family’s Tacky Xmas Nonsense

Commercial Free, no Spam, no Pop-ups, no Class.

Vol. 26, No 1, December 2007. Past Volumes at this blog site

Subscription Notification

Last Chance! Send us your e-mail address and continue to receive a free yearly up date to this journal. Do it by midnight and the first 1000 responders will be automatically entered for a chance to win your very own certified:

Politically Tasteless Joke

2006 in Review

James worked. Catherine gardened. Moira studied. Liam brewed beer, cooked, played guitar and enjoyed life. The cats slept. Same old, same old.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie

2007 was the year of Australia. James and Catherine arrived in Sydney just days before Dubya and the APEC conference. We think APEC is ‘Any Person Even Care?’ Police dogs, barricades, and security made sightseeing exciting. We escaped to Cairns just in time. After seeing an incredible World Heritage Rain Forrest we hopped to the wilds of Darwin and the Aboriginal lands of the equatorial north. From there we crossed the continent by train 3200 KM to Adelaide with a top to see Uluru (Ayers Rock). This is one of the isolated spots on the planet and we had to fight thousands of other tourists for a spot at the viewing station. Go figure! Australia is a fantastic country, even if they talk funny. Their elections for prime minister take a whole three months- imagine what they do if they aren’t campaigning for 3+ years. But it did get pretty nasty when one candidate told the other “Lair, lair, pants on fire.” He got a 30 minute time out in parliament.

If you can’t make it to Australia, enjoy our trip vicariously. You can go to this blog site and download a zip file called Aussie 2007. This is a PowerPoint presentation of over 600 photos and an hour of original Australian music. Unzip it and run it on PowerPoint.

Catherine’s Corner

The MASTER GARDENER in the family now is a fully certified compost specialist. Even has a little orange name tag to prove it to disbelievers.

Catherine continues to be one of those wondrous volunteers who answer the phones at the local extension service when you call in. Overheard this year:

Caller: “Hello- My wife wanted to be turned into compost when she died. I’ve got the body in the freezer and want to know if I can use a Craftsman Wood Chipper to prepare it.”

Catherine: “The Sears and Robuck manual says that it will handle limbs up to 8 inches in diameter, so you should be ok. They do recommend cleaning with a power-washer and bleach when you’re done, but try not to get bleach in the compost pile. Bleach is really hard on the beneficial rotifers.”

Caller: “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Catherine: “And also- if you mix shredded newspaper in, it will speed up the progress.”

Caller: “Oh goodie! Now I know what to do with all those back issues of the congressional record.”

And if that’s not exciting enough, she’s also currently looking for a house to flip.

Xmas song of Joy- sung to the rap version of

“Mary Had a Little Lamb.”

♪Voters just don’t give a damn.♫

♪They’re fleeced from dawn to dusk

♫And everywhere their party goes

The dough is sure to flow. ♫

Fairy tales always begin with “Once Upon a Time” OR “If elected, I promise”

Liam- Cooking up a Storm

The MASTER BREWER and BUDDING CHEF in the family has been spotted working at Ambrosia, a local restaurant in Eugene, famous for its culinary excellence, fine wines, and fewest number of Ptomaine poisoning per capita in the Northwest. He’s been trying to convince the owners to convert the basement into his own personal brewery. He’s also still working at Humble Bagel pushing dough onto the community at large. He has been spending what little free time remains serenading pretty young things with his guitar songs.

CHI- not the weird tea drink

CHI=Computer-Human Interactions. Despite her father’s belief that all human-computer interactions should end with ‘hit any key’ using a sledgehammer, Moira continues her progress toward her PhD at Carnegie Mellon. In her third of five (or six) years, she is building automatic models of the way people talk in online communities such as Wikipedia, Facebook, and health support groups, figuring out what patterns of language get strangers to talk to and trust each other. In her oodles of free time in the last twelve months, she has hiked one of the world’s steepest valleys in Hawaii, nearly fallen off a fjord in Iceland (subsequently promising to name her first born after Runar, the Icelandic guide who helped her climb back down), and swam with a nurse shark in Mexico. She also sings in a jazz combo and bakes fantastic vegan cupcakes.

You’ll need to go to her website at www.thoughtcrumbs.com to see all the fabulous things she’s been up to. While you’re at it, check out www.veggieburgh.com where she rates the best and the worst of vegetarian fare in Pittsburgh.

The much anticipated Annual Recipe’.

This year featuring Political Pot Pies

Take a Woman, a Black, a Jew, A Mormon, and Several Idiots.

Mix them thoroughly into Campaign Trail Mix.

Remove all extraneous decorum and common sense.

Season to taste with talk radio and pundit puffs.

Let set for a 60 second sound bite.

Simmer for 2-3 years with occasional stirrings.

Bring to a roaring boil at the last minute.

Add an unknown element that thinks the world is 6000 years old.

Prepare a bed of jackass crackers and elephant biscuits

Garnish with lots of green, both soft and hard.

Flush the whole think down the toilet and start again.

Catherine & James will be running for an office in the Silly Hat Party- Donations accepted

And so ends this year’s update.

We again send our wishes to you for

Health, Happiness, Prosperity, and Joy.

2006 Xmas Letter

We’re Back, AGAIN!

New, Improved 2006 Version of the World Famous Burke Family’s Tacky Xmas Nonsense

Commercial Free, no Spam, no Pop-ups, no Class.

Vol. 15, No 1, December 2006.  Past Volumes at http://www.burkeworks.org

Subscription Notification

Act now!  Send us your e-mail address and continue to receive a free yearly up date to this journal. Do it by midnight and the first 1000 responders will be automatically entered for a chance to win you very own certified Florida Hanging Chad!

Why there was no 2005 volume:

Nothing happened!!  We had a couple folks over for dinners, did a business trip of no importance, made some phone calls, had eye exams, new glasses, and Liam had his teeth cleaned.  We had not one, but two garden tours, AND! went to the Country Fair (AKA  the Eugene Almost Naked Hippy Thing).  Last time we did that was 35 years ago.

Oh yeah, we also had the water pump replaced in one of the old cars we still drive.  But no typhoons, earthquakes, carjacking, thefts, new pets, lawsuits, IRS audits, or political intrigue.  It’s all true!  We reviewed the calendar!

It’s really sad to share how really boring we are. Really!  Maybe this year we’ll do something really, really exciting, like visiting the Spruce Goose in McMinnville. Maybe? 

Catherine’s Tea Parties ( catburke10@yahoo.com )

The MASTER GARDENER in the family now is offering specially brewed tea. Compost tea that is.  Blended Black Gold.  Packed with all those healthy aerobic micro-organisms (not to be mistaken for a heavy breathing micro orgasm), this unique blend of worm pooh-poohs, molasses, kelp stuff, and branch water is skillfully blended in a hand crafted plastic garbage can, and aged for hours with gentle bubbles of fresh Oregon air.   Order now for a spring spritzer on those tender young plants in your garden.   Catherine was considering an online business- WormPoo.com, but some grunge band already has the name.

Catherine continues to be one of the volunteers who answer the phones at the local extension service when you call in:

Caller:  “Hello- The voices are telling me that the radishes in my garden are planning to take over the planet.  What should I do?”

Catherine: “Hold on a moment…Hmmm… my Master Gardener’s Guide says that if wear your stockings inside out for one week and pour a quart of WormPoo over your head, you will save humanity and your hair will take on a nice sheen.”

Caller: “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you.”

And if that’s not exciting enough, she’s also a slum lord, extorting money from unwary renters.

Xmas song of joy
Sung to the rap version of   “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

♪Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo hoe♫

♪Xmas time be here

♫Whadda ya, howdo ya, whydo ya, whendo ya

Love da one yo near? ♫

Huh! Huh! Huh!

{Singer now stares at camera and makes a weird finger gesture}

Liam, not to be out done, holds beer busts

( elbeats@gmail.com )

The MASTER BREWER in the family has coalesced his knowledge of chemistry, biology, and human nature into the brewing of a classic, fine, homebrew.  Local pubs are quivering in either fear or anticipation of the first commercial keg, scheduled at some future date.  His Wort {the term for the goo beer comes from- not to be confused with the growths on a witch's nose} has produced a full flavored, malty brew with just a hint of caramel, honey and molasses.  Rumor has it that a grunge band got their name after drinking an early batch.  There are other rumors about spritzing tender young things in the spring time. And as if he didn't already get his fill of yeasty micro-organisms, he has been working full-time at a local bagel bakery.

Celebrating 21 years of life this year, Liam plans to explore the reefs off Cozumel looking for residual damage from a bad 2004 hurricane season.  His last dive trip was when hurricane Ivan slammed the island.  Better luck this time.

Moira: Still a nerdy vegetarian: Now appearing in Pittsburgh

 ( Moira@considereddesign.com )

You know the Monopoly community chest card "Bank error in your favor?"  Moira's life is currently like that.  She has somehow convinced The Man to pay her to travel the world, give her a shiny Powerbook, and surround her with smart friends, and all she has to do is write the occasional paper.  She's in her second year of PhD studies in the Human-Computer Interaction Institute at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh (http://www.hcii.cs.cmu.edu). 

She studies the way that newcomers in online communities (like Google Groups) introduce themselves, and determines which rhetorical strategies get others to answer.  For example, if you say "I've been reading this group for a while" you'll get twice as many replies, regardless of whether you've actually been there.  She has presented her work in Banff, Montreal, Vienna, and all over the U.S. (including Hawaii this January).  A side project about online donation communities after Hurricane Katrina will appear as a book chapter this spring.

Meanwhile, she's become a raging organic foodie, publishing a vegetarian recipe/restaurant review blog (http://www.veggieburgh.com), and exhausting the Carnegie Library's supply of books on sustainable agriculture and gourmet cooking.  She hiked in the rainforest in Ecuador last March, and is planning a trip to Iceland this spring.  She still writes to her regular blog, too (http://www.considereddesign.com).

The much anticipated annual recipe

This year featuring I-rock Crock Pot

Mix equal parts of Hope, Caring, Charity, Patience, and Goodwill.

Sift out all the religious contaminants, hatred, fear, and politics.

Take all of the remaining resources, add abundant clean water.

Cook slowly and gently without outside agitation.  Share with everyone you know.

Those in the know will realize this is the same recipe as 2004.   Some things do improve with age.

2^nd Law of Thermodynamics.  James’ views of the Scientific Realist

 ( James@burkeworks.org )

Editor’s Wanted- low pay but lots of gratitude.  View the progress of the next great American Novel at www.Burkeworks.org.  James is writing a novel, variously described as an adventure, action, psychological thriller, SciFi mystery novel.  The cover will show a scuba diving gynecologist killing alien beings.  He thinks it includes all of the current popular genre’, but if you can think of others- he’ll write them into the plot.

Continuing to study at Euglene.Edu, James ponders the state of our beleaguered planet and the effects of global warming.  For a scientific and realistic view of what is happening we invite you to read The Revenge of Gaia. by James Lovelock.  Or visit:  http://www.prototista.org/ .

This year’s epiphany came with reading Into the Cool by Dorian Sagen (Carl’s son) about Newton’s 2^nd Law of Thermodynamics.  Newton argues that entropy increases- the universe will eventually become cold, dead and have no complexity. {Sounds like the US Congress…}.  Drop a tea cup and it shatters, becomes less complex and obeys the law.  But how did it get complex in the first place?  Why is something as complex as what we consider life possible if the universe is suppose to be heading toward less complexity?

We live in an energy gradient- incredible energy from our sun at one end and empty space at the other.  Every evolutionary step from the simple metabolic pathways of converting sunlight to sugar and sugar to energy results in a small loss of heat and dissipation of that gradient.  The more complex life becomes, the more efficiently it dissipates the gradient in concert with the 2^nd law.  Life exists because of the 2^nd law.  So?!?  Who wrote that law?  {Doesn’t sound like the US Congress…}

In the beginning God said “Let there be light”.  Maybe He said, “Let there be an energy gradient”?

And so ends this year’s update.

We again send our prayers to you for

Health, Happiness, Prosperity, and Joy.

2004 Xmas Letter

We’re Back!

New, Improved 2004 Version of the World Famous Burke Family’s Tacky Xmas Epistle

Commercial Free, no Spam, no Pop-ups, no Class.

Vol. 13, No 1, December 2004.  Past Volumes at www.burkeworks.org

Subscription Notification

Act now!  Send us your e-mail address before midnight tonight and continue to receive a free yearly up date to this journal. And the first 1000 responders will be automatically entered for a chance to win their very own free Ginsu knife.

They’re called Typhoons on Guam

Having thought braving 12 typhoons and an 8.1 magnitude earthquake while living on Guam was enough, the Burke Family got to see Hurricane Ivan up close and personal.

Three days into a vacation on Cozumel the authorities closed the airport, harbors, shipping, and boarded up the hotels.  Ivan blew through the 95 mile wide straight between Cozumel and Cuba, wiping out most of Cuba and giving Mexico a thrill.

James, Moira and Liam did get to enjoy three days of spectacular diving including a very close encounter with a huge (gets bigger every telling….) nurse shark.  She cruised back and forth, around, and between them looking for a hand out.

Don’t know which was bigger- Moira’s eyes or the coral heads.

The rest of the week was spent watching the pod of dolphins that took up residence in the Hotel pool during the storm.  Or watching the rain and reruns of bad movies in Spanish from the room.

 

Note: stupid hats, sunburned noses, phony smiles and Liam’s devil eyes.

Click for Dolphin Video 1

Catherine Joins the Greens

It began as too many hills of cucumbers when living in Tangent 35 years ago. It grew into not just gardens but “rooms” on the property (real gardeners know what that means) to achieving the esteemed bright orange badge stating she is a MASTER GARDENER.

Catherine is now one of those wondrous volunteers who answer the phones at the local extension service when you call in:

Caller:  “Hello- I have this funny fuzzy stuff and crawly bugs all over one of my whats-ya-callit plants.”

Catherine:  “Clearly this represents a serious infestation of the dreaded whooley beetle.  Since this is the first case we’ve detected in the Pacific Northwest.  I have already notified Homeland Security.  They will be there in a few minutes to burn your home to the ground and eliminate this threat.  We thank you for your assistance.”

And if that’s not exciting, she also volunteers at CValCo* (pronounced CValCo) where she directs the new and foolish to Oregon on where to find the best places to live (near Woodcraft), eat (near Woodcraft), and shop (Woodcraft). 

* Convention and Visitors Association of Lane County

Xmas song of Joy- sung to “Happy days are here again”

?Empty nest is here at last?

?The house is finally ours again

?So sing a song of joy again

Empty nest is here at last?

That about sums up this year.  Liam moved out last year to start matriculating/ masticating at the U of O.  Dorm life proved a bit much so this year he moved into his own place.  Well- sort of his own if you don’t count the roommates.  Beyond the usual educational questions about calculus, chemistry, funk guitar and the history of rock and roll are the real educational questions:

“Did you know the electric company sends a bill every month?”

“I thought that if we kept all the garbage for a couple months we’d

 get a break on their bill?”

Seriously though, Liam continues to work hard at music, science,

and scuba diving while enjoying life.

Lindy Hopping in Vienna, et al

It would be overwhelmingly ostentatious to publish Moira’s CV in the Christmas letter, so you’ll need to go to her website at www.considereddesign.com to see all the fabulous things she’s been up to.  Not least of which was a trip to Vienna to present her prestigious research paper at the CHI conference.  (Computer Human Interactions, not that hippy tea drink).  Add to that trips to Boston and Boise to present Library Technology topics and you’ll get the idea.

  The Burke women after six straight days of preparation for Thanksgiving.

Moira is currently worried about whether Carnegie Mellon, M.I.T., or WBCU (World’s Best Computer University) will accept her for an advanced degree program.  She only had perfect scores on all her GRE’s.  But that only put her in the 95th percentile. Perfect scores?  95th percentile?  Huh?  Clearly there is a right wing conspiracy that allows government selected applicants to get in the 98th percentile.

In the meantime she continues to Salsa Dance her way to fame and fortune.

The much anticipated Annual Recipe’.

This year featuring Burke Family Love Biscuits

Mix equal parts of Hope, Caring, Charity, Patience, and Goodwill

Sift out all the religious contaminants, hatred, fear, and politics.

Take all of the remaining resources, add abundant clean water.

Pour into fair nation size portions.

Cook slowly and gently without outside agitation.

Share with everyone you know.

The sky is falling.

Or at least the icecaps might be melting? And Global Warming might not be just an environmental whacko myth.

In response to a newspaper article about complexity theory and fractal geometry, James signed up for a couple courses in Mathematic Complexity and Gaia Theory (geophysiology).  Getting over the initial shock of first night class being held in incense clouded industrial warehouse, taught by a PhD of Evolutionary Biology wearing a camouflage kilt, his mind was opened to a whole new view of life.  Life- an autopoietic, dissipative, self organizing system. (See www.prototista.org/). 

Earth is a living structure that takes in energy, has an active metabolism, and is warming at an alarming rate.  Help protect her!  Learn about her!

Next year you’ll find him on a corner with a sign that says:

“The end is near. The planet is too hot.  Give me $1 million.”

Next term it’s hoped that James and Liam can take the basic evolutionary biology course together. 

And so ends this year’s update.

We again send our prayers to you for

Health, Happiness, Prosperity, and Joy.

PS- no new animal stories this year. Spud has a tumor on his head, Elvis is still bulimic, Athena is no longer dumb as a rock- she’s dumber than a whole bag full! Cosette is dieting and is very unhappy.