Christmas 2013

The One and Only- (♫Ta- ♪Da)

 THE BURKE FAMILY XMAS LETTER

2103 Version- only a couple days late. Next year’s version awaiting midterm vote.

Continually tacky to the point of being almost tastelessly politically incorrect.

This year with fewer pages than the ACA- and read by more people.

The 2012 letter review:

In 2011, Liam and Jessica got married, Moira was hooded, Mexico attempted to sell luxury vacation packages, and 2 new kittens arrived.

You learned how to make “Feed Me Seymour” sourdough bread, and the garden continued to grow.

THE BIG NEWS

They’re having a baby, despite protests from James and Catherine who are too young, vigorous, and wise to become grandparents. Liam, Jessica, and Catherine visited the Ashland Shakespeare festival and watched A Mid-Summer Nights Dream  (or is it A Midnight Summer’s Dream, or Nightmare on Summer Dream Street?) It rained, which may or may not have influenced the pregnancy. 

  James stayed home and debated using the chainsaw to repair the chimney on their rental house.     

Catherine’s Corner:

After careful review of the calendar to find clever things to write about, she found that most dates were filled with garden commitments. This year, she finishes a spectacular term on the Extension Service Executive Board of Lane County; a year marked with a singular lack of political intrigue, bad behavior, or arrests. A better record than Congress, the Duck Football Team, and the Eugene City Counsel. More people know how to turn garbage into compost gold and be sustainable than ever before thanks to her efforts. In her spare time she convinced James to buy a chain saw and help with garden clean up. We’re sad to report that the limb re-attachment surgery failed; the laurel tree was sent to the great compost pit in the sky.

                          

It looks like most of Catherine’s 8^th grade class will get together this summer for their class reunion. There are rumors that Sister Mary Teachem Goode will be exhumed for the event.

The No-Name Book Club of Cottage Grove celebrates their 19^th year together: Coloring books to comics to picture books to breakthrough American Novels in large print. Time to negotiate a group deal on Kindles.

And Speaking of Books:

It’s finally available (dramatic musical fanfare please). Kelly’s Reef, that long awaited and much promised first novel, is published and on Amazon.com in both print and a Kindle version. The kick-off book signing occurred Black Friday at the local BookMine book store. It was massively attended by those seeking shelter from the weather and in search of cookies and punch. The sequel is in production and promises to take the characters to new heights and adventures in Cabbage Hollow. 

                       

James’ Thing:

“Would those who would entertain a third term as being president of the Cottage Grove Habitat for Humanity, please take one step forward.” James turned and found the rest of the Board had retreated. Cleverly claiming credit for all the hard work of the volunteers, James has managed the building project for the 12^th house in CG, while relocating to a new warehouse/ office, encouraging a ReStore and supporting the new Brush with Kindness Initiative. Amazing what can be done with a new chainsaw.

Chain-sawed Crab and all the fixings are available at the 4^th annual Habitat Crab Feed, Jan. 25^th. Tickets available, but hurry- last year the second seating came up short when several of the crabs climbed out of the pot and escaped.

Pictures at: Habitat Photo Page

Deaf Sushi Whale Watching in the Castro District on St. Paddy’s Day: A summary of family travel 2013. 

           

Whale watching in the San Juan Islands followed a trip to SFO to visit Moira and Andy. St. Paddy’s dinner occurred in a very noisy sushi bar in the Castro. We understand whale blubber is good in sushi rolls, and used for other purposes in the Castro. ‘Nuff said.

And in other family news:

Facebook and Twitter both went public. Moira and Andy became employee stock-holders. Yipee! The prospect of their choice of nursing homes is looking less bleak.

 The cats (no longer kittens) have learned to talk to the birds in the feeders.

Moira and Andy’s cat is just cute.

Watch YouTube for developments and viral cat videos. 

The Xmas Recipe

SlamBama Cakes with Gridlock Grits

                        Ingredients:

                             ‘Affordable’, mandatory fixings- available at ScrewUp.gov

                             Five options available: Platinum, Gold, Silver, Bronze, and dirt.

                   Directions:

                             Pour into a pot.

                             Stir in Mea Culpa with a pointed, red nailed, finger.

                             Wait a year for something to brew.

                             Top with apathy sauce and throw out, keep, freeze, or

                             Regurgitate in November, 2014

Has Your Credit Card Been Hijacked? Credit Security Check compliments of the Bank of Nigeria. Just send your credit card number, expiration date, billing address, and code. They’ll notify you when they compromise it.

A Nod to the Economy

Help Wanted Sign language interpreter wanted for temporary work with the NRA. Apply now at Fox News.

 

And as always, we wish the very best to you and your family for 2014.

The sponsors dis-avow all knowledge of this letter.

	Ad Space Available

 

Xmas 12- The Apocolypse

The New Improved Burke Family Xmas Letter

Tacky as ever.  Politically Incorrect yet Sensitive.  Surviving two more apocalypses in 2012.

 Vol. 3 #18  (We make this up each year just like congress makes laws)

Editor’s note:  For years the Luddite Family, aka the Burkes, has created a blog page for this missive.  Attempting to remain modern, this year we will create a trial sample using something new- a tax-supported government program called snail mail.  Homeland Security, NIH, and Facebook have foiled all other plans for viral distribution.

2011 in review:

Liam and Jessica got married.  Moira matriculated.  The government reluctantly agreed to pay the Social Security ‘entitlement’.  James remained as deaf as the antique cat.  The antique cat returned to stardust. The garden grew.

A Tale of Two Cities:

Moira (right) and Cohorts

Pittsburgh celebrated the Coronation of Dr. Moira Burke in a hooding ceremony that include bagpipes and parties galore. Now Pittsburgh looks at its declining years, bolstered only by the Steelers.

NYC luxury 1 Star Accomodations

New Owners of this bridge to Brooklyn

Following that gala event, Catherine and James escaped to NYC.  Cheapskates that they are, they stayed in an Airbnb internet private rental bedroom; complete with a bed and 1950’s Goodwill chic décor. Subway, buses and lots of pavement pounding led them to several Broadway shows (Notably, the shaved armpits of all those men in Pricilla: Queen of the Desert), Central Park, the Brooklyn Transit Museum (whoopie!), hot dog vendors and other good food.

A Tale of Two Kitties:

Sweet Pea and Poppy (Aka ‘troublemaker’ and ‘co-conspirator’) arrived from GreenHill Society, our local  animal shelter.  The kittens filed all of the necessary documents to claim ownership to the home and graciously allow the Burkes to co-exist as long as food, clean cat boxes and lap space are provided.  Favorite toys?  The plastic pull tabs from orange juice containers.

Packin' at Trader Joe's:

Shameless Product Placement

Liam is currently packing at Trader Joe's in Medford; packing goodies for elitist food snobs.  (Elitist are those who drink two buck chuck).  Jessica continues working with elementary school children in Medford.  We don't know if she's packin' or not.

The Travel is Afoot, Watson: 

NOT the real view

The View; Ah, the view.  And we’re not talking about a clutch of gaggling women on the telly.  Moira and Andy can see the entire SFO bay, all the bridges, and Oakland from their home.  The April trip to the bay area was spectacular.  What a wonderful place to live while Moira works for Facebook and Andy thrives at Twitter. The hills are knee and hip killers, however.  

The Vacation Club:

“We’re not a time share, we’re a vacation club,” Raphael, an ex-kicker for the Dallas Cowboys, whatever that means, explained.  “You can use ANY of our wonderful resorts whenever you wish.  Or we’ll guarantee to sell them for you at a profit.  Just invest before noon and you’ll receive almost 3% return on your investment over ten years.  Honest!  Cross my heart.”

The Krystal Cancun offered an internet deal that was too good to believe.  Six days, five nights, all the mediocre food we could eat, and watered down drinks. It was too good to believe, and all we needed to do was agree to a simple ninety-minute presentation.  Three and a half hours later, greedy with visions of unlimited wealth, we asked about seeing the contract, “You know- all that written paperwork stuff that lawyers love.”

Watered down margarita

“AH! senor, mi amigo.  You can cancel anytime within 5 days if you are not happy.  Besides this deal is only for today and expires in an hour.”   We passed on this incredible opportunity and the Ginzu Knives.

 Isla Mujeres Thirty Years Ago: 

While in Cancun, James and Catherine visited the Island of Women.  Not a Mexican penal colony for females, it was a delightful fishing village- complete with scenic fishing boats pulled onto pristine sand, food vendors with push-carts, crystal clear water where Catherine learned to snorkel, and a rustic hotel populated with expats, hippies, and free-thinkers.

Isla Mujeres Today:

“Hey Amigo, look at my blankets, jewelry, hats, $20 flip-flops, and souvenirs.  Make you a good deal.”   Wall to wall commercialism disguised as quaint, locally owned shops fill every crevice of the island not already filled with a modern high-rise condo.  Instead of the rickety, dangerous, wooden platform ferry we expected, we got there in 20 minutes on a luxury vessel complete with video advertisements of exciting things to see.

The steamroller of time crushes on and on and on . . .  But Hey!  If we join the Vacation Club, we can come back and visit anytime we want to.

The Garden Grows:

Trees removed; one digital camera squashed, but James’ skull survived.  Plants planted.  Weeds destroyed by Catherine’s version of Homeland Security.  Finally, after months of toil, Catherine’s garden was ready for the BIG EVENT.

“Excuse me sir, but is that a rare dispolopideous dimameria,” one of the hundreds of visitors to the annual South Lane Mental Health Garden Tour Extravaganza asked.  He pointed into the garden, finger shaking with excitement.

“You are absolutely correct,” James replied, clueless, “We call them raspberries and put them on ice cream.  The Master Gardeners booth on the back deck has other recipes, if you’re interested.”

The visitor wandered off muttering and shaking his head.  Meanwhile hundreds of patients and gardeners roamed the garden, sharing comments, tips, wacky talk, and observations.  It was an incredible day enjoyed by all who attended.

Anniversaries:

Liam and Jessica celebrated their first year anniversary.  HIP . . .

Moira and Andy are in the California Wine Country celebrating their third year.  HIP . . .

Catherine and James celebrated 40 years- long enough to qualify for something.  HOORAH! . . .

And finally, ♪ Ta Da ♫, our FOOD recipes:

Tarts, the food variety.

Bread Class

After 2 bread making classes and a tart class (no sexual innuendo or class distinction implied), James can make sourdough that is sometimes edible.  His yet-to-be-viral recipe for “Feed Me Seymore” sourdough bread is on the Burke Family Blog Page.  It’s a real recipe.

Bipartisanship 2012

Congressional Pie.

Ingredients:

Expensive Red and Blue food coloring
Post-election bitters
Used teabags
Subsidized corn flour (ethanol removed)
You can substitute any farm-subsidized product as long as it is a GMO

A flaky crust
NRA certified used lead
Directions:

Throw in everything.  Self-ignition and proper cooking temperature are spontaneous.
Fill the crust with this useless goo. 
Add food colorings and serve.
Excellent for fiscal cliff-side picnics, political fund-raisers, rallies, and congressional committee meetings.      

From our Family to Yours

May the season and the New Year bring you love, peace, understanding of our world, and everything you need to be happy and prosperous.

James and Catherine- “We approve this message.”