Xmas 12- The Apocolypse

The New Improved Burke Family Xmas Letter

Tacky as ever.  Politically Incorrect yet Sensitive.  Surviving two more apocalypses in 2012.

 Vol. 3 #18  (We make this up each year just like congress makes laws)

Editor’s note:  For years the Luddite Family, aka the Burkes, has created a blog page for this missive.  Attempting to remain modern, this year we will create a trial sample using something new- a tax-supported government program called snail mail.  Homeland Security, NIH, and Facebook have foiled all other plans for viral distribution.

2011 in review:

Liam and Jessica got married.  Moira matriculated.  The government reluctantly agreed to pay the Social Security ‘entitlement’.  James remained as deaf as the antique cat.  The antique cat returned to stardust. The garden grew.

A Tale of Two Cities:

Moira (right) and Cohorts

Pittsburgh celebrated the Coronation of Dr. Moira Burke in a hooding ceremony that include bagpipes and parties galore. Now Pittsburgh looks at its declining years, bolstered only by the Steelers.

NYC luxury 1 Star Accomodations

New Owners of this bridge to Brooklyn

Following that gala event, Catherine and James escaped to NYC.  Cheapskates that they are, they stayed in an Airbnb internet private rental bedroom; complete with a bed and 1950’s Goodwill chic décor. Subway, buses and lots of pavement pounding led them to several Broadway shows (Notably, the shaved armpits of all those men in Pricilla: Queen of the Desert), Central Park, the Brooklyn Transit Museum (whoopie!), hot dog vendors and other good food.

A Tale of Two Kitties:

Sweet Pea and Poppy (Aka ‘troublemaker’ and ‘co-conspirator’) arrived from GreenHill Society, our local  animal shelter.  The kittens filed all of the necessary documents to claim ownership to the home and graciously allow the Burkes to co-exist as long as food, clean cat boxes and lap space are provided.  Favorite toys?  The plastic pull tabs from orange juice containers.

Packin' at Trader Joe's:

Shameless Product Placement

Liam is currently packing at Trader Joe's in Medford; packing goodies for elitist food snobs.  (Elitist are those who drink two buck chuck).  Jessica continues working with elementary school children in Medford.  We don't know if she's packin' or not.

The Travel is Afoot, Watson: 

NOT the real view

The View; Ah, the view.  And we’re not talking about a clutch of gaggling women on the telly.  Moira and Andy can see the entire SFO bay, all the bridges, and Oakland from their home.  The April trip to the bay area was spectacular.  What a wonderful place to live while Moira works for Facebook and Andy thrives at Twitter. The hills are knee and hip killers, however.  

The Vacation Club:

“We’re not a time share, we’re a vacation club,” Raphael, an ex-kicker for the Dallas Cowboys, whatever that means, explained.  “You can use ANY of our wonderful resorts whenever you wish.  Or we’ll guarantee to sell them for you at a profit.  Just invest before noon and you’ll receive almost 3% return on your investment over ten years.  Honest!  Cross my heart.”

The Krystal Cancun offered an internet deal that was too good to believe.  Six days, five nights, all the mediocre food we could eat, and watered down drinks. It was too good to believe, and all we needed to do was agree to a simple ninety-minute presentation.  Three and a half hours later, greedy with visions of unlimited wealth, we asked about seeing the contract, “You know- all that written paperwork stuff that lawyers love.”

Watered down margarita

“AH! senor, mi amigo.  You can cancel anytime within 5 days if you are not happy.  Besides this deal is only for today and expires in an hour.”   We passed on this incredible opportunity and the Ginzu Knives.

 Isla Mujeres Thirty Years Ago: 

While in Cancun, James and Catherine visited the Island of Women.  Not a Mexican penal colony for females, it was a delightful fishing village- complete with scenic fishing boats pulled onto pristine sand, food vendors with push-carts, crystal clear water where Catherine learned to snorkel, and a rustic hotel populated with expats, hippies, and free-thinkers.

Isla Mujeres Today:

“Hey Amigo, look at my blankets, jewelry, hats, $20 flip-flops, and souvenirs.  Make you a good deal.”   Wall to wall commercialism disguised as quaint, locally owned shops fill every crevice of the island not already filled with a modern high-rise condo.  Instead of the rickety, dangerous, wooden platform ferry we expected, we got there in 20 minutes on a luxury vessel complete with video advertisements of exciting things to see.

The steamroller of time crushes on and on and on . . .  But Hey!  If we join the Vacation Club, we can come back and visit anytime we want to.

The Garden Grows:

Trees removed; one digital camera squashed, but James’ skull survived.  Plants planted.  Weeds destroyed by Catherine’s version of Homeland Security.  Finally, after months of toil, Catherine’s garden was ready for the BIG EVENT.

“Excuse me sir, but is that a rare dispolopideous dimameria,” one of the hundreds of visitors to the annual South Lane Mental Health Garden Tour Extravaganza asked.  He pointed into the garden, finger shaking with excitement.

“You are absolutely correct,” James replied, clueless, “We call them raspberries and put them on ice cream.  The Master Gardeners booth on the back deck has other recipes, if you’re interested.”

The visitor wandered off muttering and shaking his head.  Meanwhile hundreds of patients and gardeners roamed the garden, sharing comments, tips, wacky talk, and observations.  It was an incredible day enjoyed by all who attended.

Anniversaries:

Liam and Jessica celebrated their first year anniversary.  HIP . . .

Moira and Andy are in the California Wine Country celebrating their third year.  HIP . . .

Catherine and James celebrated 40 years- long enough to qualify for something.  HOORAH! . . .

And finally, ♪ Ta Da ♫, our FOOD recipes:

Tarts, the food variety.

Bread Class

After 2 bread making classes and a tart class (no sexual innuendo or class distinction implied), James can make sourdough that is sometimes edible.  His yet-to-be-viral recipe for “Feed Me Seymore” sourdough bread is on the Burke Family Blog Page.  It’s a real recipe.

Bipartisanship 2012

Congressional Pie.

Ingredients:

Expensive Red and Blue food coloring
Post-election bitters
Used teabags
Subsidized corn flour (ethanol removed)
You can substitute any farm-subsidized product as long as it is a GMO

A flaky crust
NRA certified used lead
Directions:

Throw in everything.  Self-ignition and proper cooking temperature are spontaneous.
Fill the crust with this useless goo. 
Add food colorings and serve.
Excellent for fiscal cliff-side picnics, political fund-raisers, rallies, and congressional committee meetings.      

From our Family to Yours

May the season and the New Year bring you love, peace, understanding of our world, and everything you need to be happy and prosperous.

James and Catherine- “We approve this message.”

 

Feed Me Seymore Sourdough Bread Recipe

‘Feed Me Seymour’ Sourdough Bread.

The starter:

Make your own or get some from a fellow bread maker.  {Yeast is ubiquitous and your starter will end up with a predominate strain that is local.}  This is a living culture of yeast and lactobacillus.  The yeast metabolizes starch into alcohol and carbon dioxide.*

You can keep the starter in the ‘frig or freezer.  Let it come to room temperature before you feed it.  It will be thick and sticky, but flow like lava.

Feed Me: 

1 portion of Feed Me Seymour Starter (approx. 1 cup)

1 portion bread flour (1 cup)

½ portion distilled water (1/2 cup).  {Chlorine in tap water kills the yeast.}

Feed Me Frequently: 

When I’m getting ready to bake, a couple of days before hand I take the starter out of the refrigerator, bring to room temp and feed it every 12-24 hours depending on how active it is.  Sometimes it takes 2 feedings, sometimes 3.

I use a LARGE glass or ceramic bowl (The Yeast gets Alzheimers from metal bowls and forgets to go to work).

Mix the wet starter, the flour, and the water together.  Stir.  Cover with plastic wrap, a damp towel, or something to keep it from dehydrating.  It should be sticky and gooey.  Store in a warm location.  {I use my oven with the light on- gives me a warm, but not hot, environment for the yeast to work.}

How long?

It’s not rocket surgery.  Look at the bowl rim.  The starter will rise as long as the yeast has food.  Then it will start to collapse as it quits growing.  When you see a rim on the side of the bowl and the mass of starter has retracted, it’s time to feed again.  Might be 4 hours if the yeast is really active.  Might be 24 hours if it’s sluggish.

How many times do you Feed Seymour? 

If you bake frequently and leave your starter covered in a warm space, you might feed once or twice before it’s ready to make the firm starter.  I only bake a loaf every couple weeks, so I store mine in the refrigerator to retard the yeast.  When I’m ready to bake, I pull it out before bed and let it warm up overnight.  Then I feed it 2-3 times during the next 1-2 days.  Depending on how “active” the starter is, I can create the firm starter that evening or the next morning.

FIRM STARTER:

The starter is now on its way toward flavor.  The starter is “wet”- it flows like lava, sticks to everything and needs to ferment.  It’s the lactobacillus’ turn to do their thing- turn that CO2 and EtoH into flavor- the sour in sourdough.

Mix:

10.5 oz. wet starter.  Weighing is important.

1 Cup bread flour.

Make a firm ball.

Once mixed, pour onto a floured surface and knead a little bit ( 27.46 Joules per microgram.)  You’re not trying to develop the gluten.  It will be a little sticky and a little resilient- i.e. you can pick it up and put it in a bowl without it being taffy.

Put it back in the bowl and cover for 3-4 hours to let that bacteria do its thing.  It doesn’t need to rise- just show signs that the yeast has huddled up and ready to go- a little swelling is good.  Give it 8–24 hours to develop flavor.

If you’re not ready to make dough yet, store the firm starter in a cool place overnight.  Let it come to temp the next day. 

THE DOUGH

15 oz. firm starter- this should be the entire batch of firm.

2 cups bread flour.

1 tsp. salt

1 cup liquid- I use warm buttermilk here (yeast grows faster in a warm environment), but distilled water is okay.  (Tequila, Soy Sauce, and fruit juice are not recommended liquids).  .

Mix the dry ingredients.  I use the dough hook on the mixer.

Add some of the buttermilk to get a crumbly mix.

Cut up the firm starter into bite-size chunks and throw them in the mixer- easier than a wad to deal with.

Slowly add the rest of the liquid(s).

With a dough hook, knead the dough 6-8 minutes on medium spped. 

You may need to sparingly and gently add a little liquid or flour as this kneads.  As the gluten forms, the dough will undergo a transformation before your very eyes from lumpy to stringy, stretchy and sticky.

Spray a large bowl with some Pam or vegetable oil, dump the dough in, cover and stick in that warm place again for 3-4 hours.  It will magically double in size.  {Actually, it’s science- not magic or a spiritual connection with the yeast.}

Make the loaf. 

Handle gently and shape into a loaf that will fit into a Dutch Oven.  Cover and place into that warm place again for another 1-3 hours until it has risen about 1-2 inches.  I use a woven basket that gives the finished loaf some swirls.       

 


Preheat the oven to 475 degrees.

Put the Dutch Oven on a middle rack to pre-heat.

Bake:

Gently set the risen loaf perfectly into the exact center of the VERY HOT Dutch Oven.  Don’t burn your fingers as you put the lid on and replace it into your hot oven.  {I use a piece of parchment paper to lift the dough and place it in the pot- the parchment paper bakes with the dough and makes it easier to remove the finished loaf from the pot.}  I spritz my dough with water before I cover it.  Make a couple slits ¼” deep with a very sharp knife to allow the crust to expand - or not.  It will expand and crack with or without slits.

Bake with the lid on for 25-30 minutes.  You will need to adjust this for your oven.  Check temperature for >180-190  degrees.  Remove the lid, reduce the temperature to 450 degrees and cook another 5-10 minutes to brown the crust.  I spritz the top with water again at this point.   {The lid on the Dutch Oven is to retain the moisture in the crust without having to add steam or frequent spritzing- but I still add a little to make the crust crunchy}

EAT:

Once it’s cool, there are no further instructions required.

*  Since you asked:

During alcoholic fermentation of sugars, yeasts re-oxidize NADH to NAD in a two-step reaction from pyruvate, which is first decarboxylated by pyruvate decarboxylase followed by the reduction of acetaldehyde, catalyzed by alcohol dehydrogenase (ADH). Concomitantly, glycerol is generated from dihydroyacetone phosphate to ensure production of this important compound.