It’s the 2010 Hope and Change XMAS LETTER.
We hoped it would change! It didn’t.
New, Improved 2010 Version of the World Famous Burke Family Tacky Xmas Letter.
Nonsense, Commercial Free, no Spam, no Pop-ups, no Class.
Subscription Notification
We purchased the official CIA outing software {field tested on Valerie Plame} and will know if you are participating or not in this annual missive. Be forewarned: if you don’t read every word of this update, we will immediately notify all 500,000 of our other facebook friends. Friend us, e-mail us, leave a comment; last warning.
Review of 2009!
Despite the best efforts of our incompetent government, the Burke Family had a wonderful year. New opportunities to help others, major changes in the family, and the continual survival of the obnoxious deaf cat highlighted 2009.
It’s official! Liam and Jessica are getting married. We think it had something to do with The House of Mystery where they met and work. It’s no mystery that they love each other and have an awesome future ahead of them. We’re not losing a son. We’re not gaining a daughter. We’re inheriting two kittens.
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| Liam, Jessica, Harley, and Quinn |
The Big Event-- a formal barefoot wedding-- will be at our home February 12th.
The women on both sides are excitedly planning decorations, food, seating, colors, good luck hexes, flowers, weather requests, and all the finer details necessary for the cast of thousands. The men have been instructed to put on the tux, show up, shut up.
There are ongoing negotiations with CBS to create a reality show.
Their future plans include opening a new business in Cottage Grove. Imagine going to a movie theatre where you can eat gourmet snacks, have an adult beverage, and watch a classic film in comfort. We can hardly wait.
Announcement- Part 2
Her life continues to expand as she travels the world presenting her research. This summer she will defend her thesis as she matriculates toward a doctorate in computer-human interactions.
The list of her research papers and presentations is at her website: http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~mkburke/
Or just Google Moira Burke!
The research into social connectivity and how it relates to those within the spectrum of autism is genius. Her privileged access to facebook data during her summer internships in Palo Alto will (jokingly) give her the very first PhD in facebook.
Stand up and git counted, y’all
James and Catherine, in an effort to bolster the 60,000 {or was it 600,000} new jobs during the recession last March, became official government census stooges. Catherine hounded those miscreants who 1) didn’t fill out; 2) couldn’t fill out; or 3) refused to fill out, the 10 questions. James, a quality control expert with 8 hours of advanced census training, sought out those government census takers who might cheat on their forms, or were too incompetent to confront a miscreant. {The census bureau didn’t seem to think there was a conflict with James reviewing Catherine’s work . . .}
A typical encounter might be:
“Hi! I work for the government and in an effort to efficiently spend your tax dollars we need to count you according to some provision or other in the Constitution. Can you tell me who lives here? Legally, I mean.”
A typical response might be:
“@($%#^ Off, I ain’t tellin’ you nothin’. I know my rights! Get off my land ‘fore I sic’ my dogs on ya.” This was often accompanied with a manic waving of a shotgun.
More Community Services
This Christmas, the Cottage Grove Habitat for Humanity completed a home for a wonderful family. James joined the Board of Directors and worked with a dedicated group to make this possible; Catherine is involved with the landscaping and finishing details.
If you can’t get to Haiti, the Congo, Brooklyn or other poverty areas and want to do something to help one other family- grab a hammer or paint brush and do your part.
James joined the staff of Lane Community College, teaching Business Development. Classes in Cottage Grove and Florence help local businesses survive this economy. To fill the ‘spare time’ during his semi-retirement, James also serves on the Board of Directors for South Lane Wheels, our local non-profit transportation system.
Catherine’s World
Catherine turned 60 this year and celebrated by making 60 cupcakes (with the help of Jessica) and sharing them with a houseful of her closest friends. The smoke alarms remained blissfully silent despite the number of candles.
Despite a public vote to no longer fund the Extension Service, Lane Community College found a way to continue the Master Gardener Program in the county. Catherine continues to volunteer her expertise in gardening and composting to the community.
Jury Duty
We both had the joy of jury service. We didn’t get to execute anyone. Darn it.
Dragon Lady and the Coven
In November we lost Catherine’s mom, Mary Kay Ballantyne, just shy of her 99th birthday. She lived an independent life to the end, despite the challenges of her years. Throughout her life, she always considered her children her most important contribution to our world. She was correct.
Her family, especially Mary Beth, Barbara and Catherine (known as the Coven) gave her the love and ability to live out her life in her own home. Her political acumen and insight will be missed. Those sons-in-law who knew her will miss The Dragon, as they lovingly called her-- because she wasn’t one.
John, Mary Kay, Tom, Mary Beth, Barbara, and Catherine (front).
September 2010
(Cumulative age of participants in photo 432 years. Cumulative IQ much greater)
Notice the genetic defect resulting in the inability to open eyes during a photo.
Notice the genetic defect resulting in the inability to open eyes during a photo.
The Farmhouse Update
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| Before |
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| After |
6+ Months on the market as a FSBO. We offered the property as a Lease to Own and found a young couple who leased the home. They love its class and quality as much as we do. They are taking it for a test run this year, with the likelihood of purchasing it in the near future.
This Years Fight Song
The BCS Duck Victory Song
Sung to Wagner’s Die Valkyrie
♪ Dum, da da dum dum! ♪
♫ Dum da da dum dum! ♪
♫ Dum da da dum dum! ♪
Now imagine the movie Apocalypse Now with Ducks approaching that village instead of helicopters. Then Robert Duvall’s character says:
I love the smell of ‘victory’ in the morning.
{Apologies to Chip Kelly, The Oregon Ducks, and film critics everywhere.}
Pet Page
Cousin Lottie and Athena enjoying a nap together
Our 20 year old cat Athena continues to hang on. Deaf as a post, she squeals at o’dark thirty to alert us that she is still alive. We do breathing checks throughout the day. Catherine still has no interest in a Vietnamese potbellied pig. Update next year.
Those who are allowed to live in their cat’s home will enjoy: Cat in the Xmas Tree
Although not technically pets, we have two marauding gangs of squirrels, decked out in red and blue bandanas. These mini-terrorists prepare the ‘hood for a tough winter by stripping bark, eating apples, and stealing walnuts.
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| Castor canadensis |
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| "Don't Touch My Junk" |
The Oregon State Beavers, still the best (5-6) football team in Oregon, need a lesson in tactics from the Castor canadensis rodent that breached a six foot wall, skirted the barbed wire and mine field to cut down another tree this year.
This political recipe has been canceled.
There is nothing funny about the Taliban, hatred, ignorance, jihad, religious or sexual intolerance.
There is nothing funny about the Taliban, hatred, ignorance, jihad, religious or sexual intolerance.
A recipe poking fun at our pathetic Congress isn’t very funny either.
Alternate Xmas Treat
Mix together large dollops of Joy, Love, Tolerance, and Freedom.
Avoid contaminating with religious nonsense, politics, ignorance, or hatred.
Best served warm with care to everyone you know.
Like sourdough starter, this recipe grows with regular feedings
The Next (almost) Great American Novel
Installments of Kelly’s Reef are posted on James' blogsite: http://www.kellysreef.blogspot.com/
You’ll also find a current essay relating Newton’s Second Law of Thermodynamics to the Taoist writings of Lao Tse. The juicy sex stuff has been edited out to allow a PG rating.
Politically Incorrect Greeting
Whether you’re red, blue or green, coffee or tea, rich or poor, religious fanatic, druid, or atheist, we wish you all: Merry Christmas, Fun Kwanzaa, Happenin’ Hanukkah, Maligayang Pasko at Manigong Bagong Taon, کریسمس مبارک and a prosperous and joyous life in the New Year and ask that you remember that run on sentences are grammatically correct only when deemed politically incorrect by a lame duck congress.
More non-English, non-Christmas greetingsWe are JAMES & CATHERINE, and we approve of this message!
